My imitated smile
by TheDrunkenWerewolf
Summary: We all know that Kira Izuru was innocent. Even after all the lies, the deceit, and the betrayal, we know that he was innocent. But looking back on it, Izuru knows that he never was innocent. Never. And it was all because of Ichimaru Gin and his abuse.
1. Prologue, summary and authors note

**Tales of the manipulated: Kira Izuru  
****Title: My imitated smile  
****Genre: angst, abuse**

**Summary -  
**We all know that Kira Izuru was innocent. Even after all the lies, the deceit, and the betrayal, we know that he was innocent. But looking back on it, Izuru knows that he never was innocent. Never. And it was all because of one man: Ichimaru Gin. Not yaoi.  
………………………………………………………………………….

**From the author:**

_I don't own bleach. Again, anyone who says otherwise is a liar.  
__Come on folks, I may be good, but I'm not THAT good._

Having said that:

This is Izuru Kira – and these are his stories. Interpret them as you wish. I will let the story speak for itself here - "show but not tell".

Warnings will be given as and if appropriate. Might get dark, might get twisted, and might get a little violent. I will say no more on the matter.

There _may_ be some implied GinxIzu if **(and only if)** you want it to be so. It is not written as such and any implications are unintentional unless explicitly stated otherwise. So please don't ask if this is written as a yaoi fic – because it isn't. No matter how much it may be implied. Please do not slander me for this.

I just wanted this to be a compilation of stories showing the depths of Gin's manipulation of Kira with some form of plot using various quotes as reference points.

There might be some dark stuff and some twisted stuff but probably not mature rated. All feedback is welcome and reviews are optional, but if you simply _must_ review be nice please and keep all criticism constructive. I really do appreciate ALL of my reviews, and so will probably reply to some.

Okay, having gotten the serious part out of the way, I did have a lot of fun writing this. So (if you're going to carry on) please just read, relax, and overall enjoy, as I take you into the life and mind of Kira. And down to the depths of his manipulation.

Sincerely, TheDrunkenWerewolf (back off hiatus)

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_Manipulation, noun. – exerting shrewd or devious influence especially for one's own advantage  
_- definition

**Prologue: A definition**

If Izuru was ever asked to define the word 'manipulation' he would give only two words in response:

"Ichimaru Gin."

That would be his answer.

That was how he would define it.

Simply because that was what Gin was – a manipulator. Someone who could control and alter peoples thoughts and actions. Edit their very opinions and outlooks on life. This was Izuru's definition of the word that he had only recently learned to define.

There are, or have been, many victims of this manipulation. One of these being Kira Izuru: the direct subordinate of him.

Right from day one Kira had been under his influence. Right from the very beginning he was being used, but only when it was too late did he realize it. Only when it was too far gone to stop it, to break free of it had he noticed.

Kira was loyal. Loyal to his friends, loyal to himself, and loyal to his captain. So naturally, when Gin says "Jump.", Kira asks "How high?"

But that is now. That was after the trust had been earned and the bond had been forged. But it never used to be like that.

Let me take you back, rewind to the time before this tragedy of loss and betrayal, to a time when the lies began. When Kira felt nothing but fear and distrust of the man that would one day shatter his life.

Let me take you back… to the very beginning.

And tell you the story of how Kira learned to define the word 'manipulation'.


	2. Pretty face

_"If I can promise you nothing else, I can promise this – it will both begin and end with a smile"  
_- TDW (a quote on this story)

**Chapter 1: Pretty face**

Kira was in a mad panic, running down the corridor and trying not to let anyone see his face. Tears were falling now and he could do absolutely nothing to stop them.

Why? Why did it have to be him? Why couldn't it have been someone else?

Why? Why him?

He had to get away, get away from people and their fake sympathy. Get away from everything and just crawl into a corner. Yes, that's what he would do – he would crawl into a corner and stay there. Get out of this living nightmare he was in now.

But he couldn't. What happened could never be erased from his memory and the scenes just kept playing over and over again in his mind.

He had managed to find an empty, unoccupied room where he just sat slumped against the wall. Trying to rid himself of the images that were plaguing his very being. He starts to shake.

"I'm so disgusting..."

He sobs, still clutching his head in his hands and trembling. He was in a right mess, what a state he was in now. This was a complete contrast to the Izuru Kira we knew from his days at the academy, and when he first joined the Gotei Thirteen. The young, happy and smiling Izuru we once knew had since vanished before our very eyes, only to be replaced by this haggard mess.

He heard footsteps.

"Oh no." he whispered. "Don't notice me don't notice me don't notice me!"

He just sat there shaking like a leaf repeating this to himself while covering his ears, hoping and praying that nobody would notice him. He didn't know what to do. Did he remember to lock the door?

He thought he did. Or at least, he_ hoped _he did.

He just could not deal with it. It was bad enough he had just ran straight past his two best friends Momo and Renji when they had asked him what was wrong. He couldn't tell them. Not about this.

Still the footsteps echoed.

Were they looking for him?

Maybe some small part of him hoped that they would come looking for him but he just was unable to deal with whatever questions people had for him about what had happened and their glances of feigned sympathy in the tone of their voices. No, he wanted to be alone.

The footsteps grew louder as they echoed.

"_Wow, you look terrible."_

Kira swallowed, apparently he _had _forgotten to lock the door behind him.

"_Now this simply will not do."_

Why did it have to be him?

Kira looked up at the tall figure standing before him as he felt the tears roll so very slowly and steadily down his cheeks.

"_Hm? What's wrong?" _

The figure steps slowly over to him and crouches down in front of him, his eyes only barely visible behind the tufts of white hair that fell over the forehead. He feels cold fingers along his jaw line, tilting Kira's head gently skywards, just enough so that he could get a good look into the face of the man before him.

"_Why are tears falling from such a pretty face?"_


	3. Smile

_"Things are not always what they seem; the first appearance deceives many; the intelligence of a few perceives what has been carefully hidden."  
_- Phaedrus

**Chapter 2: Smile**

Kira swallowed hard, feeling every single drop of that cold icy sweat drip down his body. That all too familiar feeling that one got whenever in the presence of the one that was now before him, staring him straight in the face. He was shaking now, unable to even move as the inquisitive eyes stared into him, into the very depths of his soul.

He sees this smile soften.

"_Smile for me why don'tchya? It aint the end of the world."_

To an outsider, everything about this man, to a witness knowledgeable of the fact that this man would one day become a liar, would have screamed deceit. But for Kira, the only word that his smile seemed to scream was sympathy. Sympathy and concern.

"_A kid like you should smile more often…"_

His hand moves down and away from his chin. What cold hands. What cold hands for such a warm man. A man who had such compassionate eyes and the softest of smiles that would forever be ingrained into his memory.

Kira watches him slowly rise to his feet from his crouched position in front of him, he seemed to move so slowly. Either on purpose or Kira's sense of time had somehow been distorted.

"_Cheer up fer me, kay? I don' like seein' people so sad."_

His smile had widened enough to show his white teeth now as he cheerfully left the once despairing Kira quite confused and unsettled.

That was the smile of Ichimaru Gin, which from this moment onwards would become etched into his memory.

And it is from this smile that he would learn to trust.


	4. The first meeting

_"No mortal can keep a secret. If his lips are silent, he chatters with his fingertips; betrayal oozes out of him at every pore."  
_- Sigmund Freud

**Chapter 3: The first meeting **

Izuru still remembered the first time he had laid his eyes on this man.

It was during his academy days, when a group of hollows had attacked both him, Renji and Momo. He had panicked. Completely lost his composure.

He had to be rescued.

Even now, he still remembers the feeling he got from having just _looked _at him. His rescuer, his defender, his future abuser.

Of course, at the time, he didn't know that was what he would become.

It was never quite clear why, but this man gave him a sense of insecurity. It was a feeling of vulnerability, that same innate fear that he had once felt long ago. Everything about him repulsed Kira. One might call it 'instinct'.

His heart raced, he started to tremble. And an ice cold sweat started to course its way down him, and Kira felt every drop of it cascade down his pale skin. All of this without him even saying a word to him. His knees were buckling under him, his mouth ran completely dry. His palms had started to sweat, and he could only stand still. He didn't dare to blink even once.

That facial expression, his half closed eyes that tended to shift. But most of all, that unwavering smile. That was what made Kira the most anxious.

Fear. This was pure fear. And Kira would never forget that feeling.


	5. The hand that serves

_"Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you. Love me, and I may be forced to love you."  
_- William Arthur Ward

**Chapter 4: The hand that serves **

Ever since that day Kira knew that he had to get stronger.

He wanted to gain strength, not just in combat, but in mind too. Gain the mentality to remain calm in the face of adversity. Stronger, better, both physically and mentally.

He eventually did. Eventually becoming the fukutaichou of the third division.

Waiting outside the door to the captains office that day, Kira was ready to be inducted into the third division. Waiting to meet with his new squad, his new superior. He was happy, he was moving up in the world. He felt that he could walk through that door boldly with a smile on his face. But the sight that greeted him made his expression just drop.

It was him.

That smile. He hadn't forgotten it. And how it frightened him.

"_Oya, an' yer the new fukutaichou round here?"_

"Y- yes sir."

"_The names Gin. Ichimaru Gin."_

"It… it's an honor to be working with you… Ichimaru Taichou." Izuru then stated, with as much courage as he could muster. Trying to push past that boundary of fear that had cast itself down upon him again, his eyes widening as he caught a glimpse of his new taichou's subtle change in facial expression.

He had opened his eyes. Not by much, but just a fraction. Just a tiny amount that nobody would notice, but Kira noticed. The colour of those eyes still haunted him. As did that smile, that face of intrigue.

"An' what's yer name?"

"Kira Izuru, sir."

"Oh, Izuru huh?" he then asked, as if trying to justify an answer to himself. "Haven' I seen you somewhere before?"

Kira swallowed hard. "Yes. Yes you have…"

Yes, Kira had wanted to get stronger. That was always true. Ever since that day he'd vowed to get stronger.

And what greater strength could grow than that which from despair.


	6. In time

_"There are some that only employ words for the purpose of disguising their thoughts."  
_- Volataire

**Chapter 5: In time **

"Aiya, then I'm a sure tha' we're gonna get along great." He smiled, still with that unwavering expression. But still Kira was anxious.

"Ne?" His eyebrow raised. "Why ya gotta look so serious for? I aint gonna bite. I won't hurt ya none."

But still that feeling of foreboding encased around Izuru. He was frightened. Truly, truly frightened of his taichou. He did not quite know the reason for this feeling. It just seemed to overcome him whenever he was in the presence of him. What little did he know that there would be a good reason for this feeling in the future. That life would be far from normal.

But then again, didn't everybody fear this man?

Didn't every shinigami shudder at the very name of Ichimaru Gin?

Kira did.

In fact Kira did with the most obviousness out of them all. He was just a ball of nerves and fear right now.

But maybe that was because of his transfer to a new squad. To a new division. Moving over to serve under a new taichou. Having to fit in all over again. Kira never did fit in very well, and it had taken him a considerable amount of time to integrate when he was first placed in the fourth company. But now he was going to have to go through all that again. But maybe this was just him. Maybe this feeling was the fear of being an outcast again.

Or maybe this was something else. Something more sinister. But he didn't really know. All he knew was that this was his new taichou and he didn't like him one bit.

This fear was a deep seated one. It was obvious from Kira's face and body language. That was probably what gave it away. Made it obvious to him. Predators can smell fear.

"_Don__'__tchya like me? Izuru-kun?__"_

Kira swallowed. Not quite knowing how to answer this question. How does he answer this? Does he lie and say that he does? Or does he be completely honest? No, he can't be truthful now. He doesn't trust taichou enough. But if he doesn't give an answer, then…

Ichimaru's head perked up.

"_Its okay if ya don__'__t like me now__…__ but I hope tha__'__ in time ya__'__ll change yer mind.__"_

To Kira, this man was a mind reader. But really, he only saw the adverse reaction of fear through detailed observation.

"_I really wan__'__ ya to like me__…"_

He said that, but Kira's expression didn't change. And Kira would always have his reasons for feeling distrustful of this man.

_"I hope we can be friends."_

He was hiding something.


	7. Come with me

_"To follow by faith alone is to follow blindly."  
_- Benjamin Franklin

**Chapter 6: Come with me**

"Why don't'tchya come wi' me?"

That was how it started, with the acceptance of that one request. Despite all feeling of fear, Kira did follow. At first he was a little taken back by this, but having swallowed all of his fear at that moment, in the end he decided to follow. Nobody knows exactly why though. After all, it is the choice of a fukutaichou whether to follow their taichou or not. But Kira decided that if he ever was going to get stronger, then he would have to fight his fears. No matter how persistent they were.

"Ha- hai taichou."

Kira was, and to some extent, had always been, frightened by his captain. Even from the beginning. But over the course of time, this would slowly begin to change. It would be a gradual process, like the changing of the leaves. It would take time. So at first he was a little unnerved by this request.

But no matter how distrustful and wary Kira was at the beginning, he slowly started to integrate into his new life. And into the shadow of Ichimaru.

It was uncomfortable at first. But over time Kira would learn. He would know what it was to follow him. To place his complete trust in him. Place his faith in his taichou. Put his very life into the hands of another.

Kira followed Gin faithfully. He was a fukutaichou now, and a loyal and faithful fukutaichou he was going to be. And despite his constant feelings of distrust, Kira followed Gin. Some would say he even followed blindly.

These feelings consistently swirled around in the depths of Kira's stomach. His gut seemed to keep thinking that his taichou was going to lead him somewhere secluded and… well, he didn't even really want to think about what Gin could do to him. For he had heard many stories about him, and often these tales were of a violent and unspeakable nature.

The first time that Kira had been asked to follow Gin that day, it was just him following Gin around. Nothing of real importance was done or said, but he did notice a rather quiet and seemingly discreet conversation between his taichou and the taichou of the fifth company: Aizen Sousuke. Kira wouldn't really think anything of it if it weren't for the feeling of dark reitsu pouring from Sousuke Taichou. It was probably only minor, practically untraceable, but Kira was picking it up. And it was a feeling akin to the one he was feeling only just a few hours ago.

But days had passed since then, and it was quite late in one evening when Kira was helping his taichou with the mass pile of paperwork that he had neglected to do earlier that week, which called for a late night.

"Oh Kira-kun… ya can finish early t'day if ya want. I gotta go see Aizen Taichou fer somethin'"

Kira's head perked up. "What? This late at night?"

"Hm? Yeah." He sounded unenthusiastic in replying to answer this question. Trying to sound distant and looking elsewhere. "Why don't ya go take a hot bath or somethin'. I'll finish up here tomorrow."

"Oh, thankyou taichou. I'll see you tomorrow morning then."

Gin walked away. He seemed kind of sad, reluctant even to go. He walked slowly, making each step last for what seemed like ages. And Kira watched him go.


	8. Somebody save me

**A/N – from this chapter onwards reader discretion is advised for some parts. **

**[I'm glad I wrote these next ones in advance]**

**---------------------------**

_"Manipulation stems from the mind, not the body"_  
- TDW

**Chapter 7: Somebody save me**

Much later Kira was in the bathroom. It was very late now, and he was just sitting there and waiting for the bath to fill. He was sitting there watching the water level slowly rising, ready to unwind after a long day.

Turning off the taps and dimming the lights, he then dropped his hakama and climbed in. the hot water relaxing all the muscles in his body. All of the energy seemed to have been drained out of him the minute he had entered the water and he suddenly realized how exhausted he was.

He had been in the bath for a while and he had been thinking about everything that had happened to him lately, when his thoughts seemed to drift off to his taichou, Gin. He seemed… off… today. Something wasn't quite right with him. He seemed distant, not talking and trying to get closer to Kira like he usually did. He hadn't been smiling much lately either. Maybe he should talk to him about it… ask him what problems he had. But where would that get him? Would he just withdraw from him further? Or would that try to bridge the gap between them? It wasn't like Kira didn't _want _them to be friends.

He had been thinking about this for a while when he had decided to rest his eyes for a moment. He had lost track of how long he had been in the bath when he realized he had slowly fallen asleep, with the back of his head resting on the edge of the bath. He'd thought he had heard a noise, like the door opening, and this made him jump. Was somebody here? He didn't know, but the first thought that flew into his mind was that he had forgotten to lock the door. The lights had been flicked on and there was a dark figure looming over him, he couldn't see who it was since the lights were blinding him now and making his vision blurry.

A cold hand was suddenly grasping his neck and then Kira was forced under the water. He couldn't fight, he couldn't scream. He couldn't breathe. He was going to die, somebody was going to kill him. He would be murdered here and nobody would hear him. Kira struggled and fought in vain, but whoever was holding him down was too strong. This person's hands were cold. Izuru was being pinned down, being drowned in his own bathtub. He was struggling and fighting, but he couldn't move. All of the air was being forced out of his lungs and panic filled his entire body. His life was flashing before his very eyes, as he looked up and saw the shadowed face of his killer, the water above him swirling and crushing him, forcing the very life out of him.

"_Won__'__t somebody save me?__"_

But he knew that he couldn't keep fighting, there was no point. He was going to be drowned now and there would be nobody to hear him scream. All of the strength to struggle was slowly and steadily leaving his body. He could only hold is breath for so long, and his time was going to run out soon. The hands were digging into him deeper and deeper, drawing blood from his neck and chest. The red swirling in with the clear water, staining it a deep red colour, and all Kira could do was watch and wait as the last of his life left him along with the air in his lungs. He couldn't breathe any more. He knew it was pointless to struggle any longer. Nobody would come.

Kira knew that he was going to die. And he would never know the face of the one who would kill him.


	9. Trust

_"Evil is always unspectacular and always human. And shares our bed...and eats at our table."_  
- W.H Auden

**Chapter 8: Trust **

When he had eventually regained some sense of where he was, Kira was coughing and spluttering on the floor in the bathroom. The bath was still full of the blood stained water and he was now breathing quite heavily. He thought he heard a voice calling him.

"Izuru-kun! Izuru-kun!"

Kira coughed again as his lungs cleared. Where was he?

"Speak ta me! Are yer okay?"

Izuru then realized himself to be very much alive when he did open his eyes. So he wasn't dead. But he did wonder who it was that had brought him back. Saved him.

"Whe- where am I?"

There was a big sigh of relief from the other, and Izuru then started to regain some sense of self awareness as everything came back into focus.

Kira was being cradled in the arms of his taichou, who was kneeling on the floor. Still clothed in his shihakusho, only without the haori.

"God ya scared me there! Are ya alrigh'?"

Izuru looked up. Opening his eyes to find himself looking up at that smile again. "Ugh… taichou?"

Kira was still naked from having being in the bath, but Izuru didn't even care that this situation was the most awkward indeed; all that mattered was that he was alive right now. That Gin had dragged him out of the water and heaved his body onto the floor and resuscitated him. Brought him back from the brink of death. He was alive, so what did it matter that he was naked in front of his taichou. He'd seen it all before right?

"Izuru I jus' saved yer life. Ya was quite lucky I got 'ere when I did. Ye' woulda been dead else."

So it was Gin that had saved him. No matter how much he had distrusted him, no matter how much Kira said he had hated him, and no matter how much Kira had pushed him away, Gin still had gone out of his way to save him. He didn't have to, but he did. And Kira felt that now he would be able to trust him more now. Gin had to resuscitate him, drag him out and revive him.

"Tai- taichou… th- thankyou."


	10. It starts

_"Charm is... a way of getting the answer yes without having asked any clear question."  
_- Albert Camus

**Chapter 9: It starts**

"Thank the gods yer okay!"

He was shaking, clutching Izuru in his arms and shaking. Grateful for the fact that his fukutaichou was alive and breathing again.

"Taichou… err…"

"Hm?"

Gin then looked down. Only his eyes moving and not his head. He just smiled again, ignoring the awkwardness of the situation.

"I'll go get ya some clothes," He then said, handing Kira a towel. "you dry off."

Kira didn't need to be told twice. He was starting to get cold and if he didn't dry off now then he would get ill. But at least this meant that he was alone again, even if just for a few minutes. He took a look down at himself, the cuts on him were deep. He padded over to the mirror. The cut on his neck was the worst. Whoever did this did it out of pure desire to hurt him. They _wanted_ to make him bleed. It looked like his throat had been slashed, but then again the cut was fresh. So it would probably look a lot worse than it actually was. Cuts and bruises covered him. And in the mirror he could see just how small and vulnerable he really was.

When Kira had eventually dried himself off he poked his head out of the door and walked out, just as Gin was making him some tea. Kira walked over slowly in his towel, and while the water was boiling Gin went into the closet and handed him a spare hakama.

Noticing Kira's sudden feeling of awkwardness he then said cheerfully, "Tis okay, ya can put it on 'ere ya know, I seen it all before."

That was true; Gin had dragged him out of the bath not long before. And even then Kira had been naked. So it really didn't matter now, there was nothing to hide, since his taichou had already seen everything. But even so, Kira turned away when he dropped his towel and dressed. It just seemed right to him to turn away. After all, he still wanted some privacy, even after his ordeal. He didn't want his taichou to look and see all of his body, or all of those cuts and bruises. Not that Gin ever did look, he seemed to understand.

Once dressed, he then sat down on the bed. The fire was on, and Gin had brought him a cup of tea and a couple of blankets to keep him warm.

"Arigato… Taichou…"

"We're on our own now, ya can call me Gin if ya want."

"Okay… Gin."

Maybe they could be friends now that Kira's fear had lessened.

"Gin… I, I owe you my life."

Izuru then was handed his tea and Gin sat on the chair opposite the bed. Gin looked worried and anxious, he was concerned for Kira. He was still soaking wet from having rescued him, but he didn't seem to care, the only thing on his mind was looking after his fukutaichou right now.

"Izuru-kun… yer bleedin'. Gods Kira yer bleedin!'"

He looked like he was about to cry. Kira's wounds where bleeding heavily now, the blood was slowly coursing its way down Kira's pale arm. Gin took the bleeding arm in his hands and looked intensely at it, the red mingling in with his pale skin as he looked at the wound. And the blood on his hands.

"Ta- taichou, are you okay?"

Tears were falling. Was this pain? Anguish?

"I'll be okay…"

Kira tried to reassure him. Kira was strong, he could survive anything.

"I'll be fine Taichou, you should really look after yourself right now… I don't want you getting ill."

But still the tears fell. He broke down completely, sobbing even while he was trying to smile.

"Izuru-kun… I… I'm just glad you're okay."


	11. A blank canvas

_"Manipulation really is quite easy if the person you plan to manipulate trusts you."  
_- TDW

**Chapter 10: A blank canvas **

Ever since then, Kira had decided that since Gin had no doubt saved his life, he would follow his taichou without question.

This, he decided when he woke up the next morning. Gin was not with him, even though the chair he had been sitting in was still warm. He must have gone in early, or gone to get himself sorted out. He was soaking wet the last time he had seen him. He had fallen asleep in that chair, just watching over Kira, and making sure that he was okay. Even though Kira was more worried about his taichou than himself.

There was a clean shihakusho set out for him on the bed by his feet. Along with his sandals, socks and his zanpaktou. No doubt his taichou's doing. He smiled. This was the beginning of a new day.

He got up and dressed slowly, savoring the moment. For if just one thing had been different last night then he wouldn't be here right now. He wouldn't be waking up and starting again. He wouldn't be able to learn to trust his taichou now, he wouldn't be living.

He could start again today, and serve under his taichou without having those nagging feelings of distrust and wariness whenever they were in the same room. He could learn from him and not be constantly thinking about being lied to. He could do many things now, and learn much from his new taichou.

He felt that he could trust him now. Suppress his instincts, his fear.

As he left for the door he thought that something inside him had been silenced, that the slate had been wiped clean. He could start fresh.

He would follow Ichimaru Gin without question from this day forward. He was his taichou, and he would accept and follow him without hesitation.

As of today, Kira Izuru was a blank canvas. Learning to trust all over again.


	12. Pokerface

**A/N – for this chapter I have time jumped, but I didn't realise that I had done until now since I didn't write the chapters in any particular order. But I guess it would make more sense that there is a bit of a time jump there for the trust to have built up over time. **

**---------------------------**

_"For manipulation to be most effective, evidence of its presence should be nonexistent..."  
_- Herbert Schiller

**Chapter 11: Pokerface **

It was like any other day. Kira was doing the paperwork at the desk when his overly late taichou walked in. as he walked through the doorway to the office he smiled in his usual fashion and greeted him. But something was different today. Not like before, when Gin would come in cheerfully and light up the room. Metaphorically speaking of course.

"Mornin' Izuru."

"Good morning Taichou."

Again he strolled in with his nonchalant manner, just as Kira left the desk to put something on one of the shelves. It seemed normal, it looked normal, but to Kira this just didn't seem _'normal__'_.

When Gin took the seat behind the desk he slumped there, as if waiting for something to happen. Watching. Waiting. Kira looked over his shoulder at him, noticing a rather nasty bruise on his neck, half covered by his shihakusho. It looked quite a bad one, and there was also a fading red mark on the side of his face. What had happened to him? And better yet, does he even ask? What would Izuru say? And would his taichou react badly to him showing concern for his well being? It looked like there were probably more bruises that were hidden as well. In fact there were, there were more on his arms, and his chest. Those were not training wounds. Those were nasty bruises.

"Tai… Taichou…"

"Hm?"

"Where… where did you get that bruise?"

"Bruise?" he asked, seemingly quite jumpy at having being told that there was a noticeable mark on him. "What bruise?"

His accent had dropped just then. He seemed afraid. Afraid that this bruise had been noticed. Like he was trying to cover them up, hide them.

"That one on your neck… it looks painful."

"Oh, this? Heh, that ain't nothin' really. Jus' banged myself tha's all."

The accent had come back as quickly as it had dropped. This was Gin seemingly regaining his composure. Maintaining his pokerface.

"Oh, I see. You really should be more careful Taichou."

"Heh heh, yeah."

He laughed it off. But really, it wasn't nothing. There was something going on here. Ichimaru always had a good pokerface, able to fool anyone else, but not Kira. He saw right through the lie. He saw right through the smile. And Kira was now growing quite worried for him. What secret was he hiding?

After some time had passed and a few moments of silence, Gin then rose from his seat and walked out of the room.

"Oh Izuru, when ya finish up here can ya take those over to the fifth company?"

"Yes Taichou."

And then Izuru watched as he walked off again down the hall, only now just noticing that he walked with a limp. Still smiling. Still lying. 


	13. The artist

_"Manipulation is a skill that, when perfected, can be likened to that of an art"  
_- TDW

**Chapter 12: The artist**

Now Kira had always admired Gin, despite the feelings of distrust that he had. But these were gradually subsiding. Gin was a good taichou, a strong taichou, a kind taichou. Always able to smile in the face of adversity, showing no fear in the face of danger. Kira wanted to be like that one day. In the beginning he had chosen to follow this path, even though he was afraid. He had said that now he owed Gin his very life, and so he would follow him still.

But not everyone thought of Gin like Kira did. Renji was just one of them. He was talking to Renji about it one day when they were off duty, and the topic of Gin had come up among their normal topics of conversation. Kira had asked about Kuchiki Taichou and what it was like for Renji to serve under him. Renji had said that his taichou was strict, and valued the rules, sometimes too strict.

Kira was also asked about his taichou, and Kira had said that Gin was a strong taichou that could teach him well. Although he did wish that Gin would actually _do _the paperwork sometimes.

Renji then suddenly looked quite serious.  
"Izuru, be careful of Ichimaru Taichou."

"Why?"

"There are stories… unpleasant stories."

"He saved my life Renji, I know he's a good person…"

"I'm just warning you to be careful, that's all. He may not be the man you think he is."

Kira didn't know what to say to this. His taichou had always been so kind to him, and he had saved his life after all.

"He is a mentalist Kira, a manipulator. There have been stories of the ones that have gone before you, violent stories. I know you want to believe the best in people, hell, if you didn't then you wouldn't be friends with me, but you must listen to me. He has lied before Kira, and he will probably lie again. He is an artist of deception Izuru, and I speak as the ears that have heard these stories first hand."

Where was all this coming from? Could Renji be right? Could his taichou be lying to him? No, that couldn't be possible. Could it?

"Just… be careful Kira. Just watch what you're getting yourself into."

"Thank you Renji, I'll be alright. Well, I'd better get going, it's getting late. See ya Renji-san!"

And Kira ran back, making his way to the barracks, disbelieving Renji's very wise words.

"I just hope you're right Izuru."


	14. To teach and learn

_"I never teach my pupils; I only attempt to provide the conditions in which they can learn."  
_- Albert Einstein

**Chapter 13: To teach and learn **

That night Kira learned something that he would rather forget. The door was ajar to the fifth division office and an argument was going on. He could not see them, but he could hear their voices. And he knew who these voices belonged to.

"It's all your fault! If ya hadn' a made me nearly drown 'im-"

That was Gin, sounding quite irrational now. The other voice was that of Sousuke Taichou.

"That," Aizen interrupted, stopping him mid sentence. "was your own fault."

"And jus' how were it my fault?!"

"You were angry. Angry at yourself, angry at me. Of course you would have taken it out on somebody…"

"Shut up!"

"Oh, now I see." Aizen said, in the most assumptive of voices. "You have some sort of connection with the boy, don't you?"

"And what if I do?"

"Trying to befriend him are we?"

"That ain't none a your business!"

"He will hinder our plans Ichimaru."

"Ya mean _your_ plan."

"Does he trust you now?"

"Yes."

There was a pause, a short moment of silence before Gin started yelling again, slamming his fists down hard on the table.

"I didn' _want_ ta drown 'im!"

"But you did."

"An' why d'ya think that is?!"

"You did it because I told you to. Because you know what the consequences will be if you disobey me, don't you?"

_"Bastard. Liar.__"_

After Gin had spit out this insult it all went quiet. It went so quiet in fact that one could hear a pin hit the floor.

_"I drowned him.__"_

Kira decided to leave at this point, having just left the moment before Aizen hit Gin across the face.

"You're just lucky you didn't kill him Gin."


	15. Denial

_"The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use the words."  
_- Philip K. Dick

**Chapter 14: Denial **

Kira was pacing the floor in his room, thinking. No, thinking is not the right word here, he was panicking, doubting his own ears.

Was it true? Was Gin really the one that tried to drown him?

"No, th- that's not possible!"

Or was it?

Then again, anybody could have done it. There were many people who could have done it besides Gin. But as he'd heard before, there were many stories surrounding Ichimaru Gin. Stories like this.

But Gin did seem genuinely relieved and shaken after the bathtub incident. Could that have all been a lie? It seemed genuine enough, but like Renji had said to him before, Gin was deft at lying. Maybe it was all a lie, just so that he could get closer to him. So that he could use him in some way. Or maybe he just wanted to hurt him…

No. he would not think like that. Kira absolutely refused to think like that. Maybe what he had heard was a lie? But then why would Gin lie about something like that?

"But what if it is Gin?"

He needed to calm down. He needed to breathe. It was his taichou who had drowned him and nearly killed him. But why revive him afterwards? Did he panic? Did he regret doing it?

No, whoever did drown him did so out of pure desire to hurt. Kira saw the wounds, he saw the blood.

Could it have been Gin?

But Gin had looked after him and made sure he was okay. Broke down when he wasn't. Watched over him…

But those words echoed in his head still.

_"I drowned him.__"_

Then it hit him.

"My taichou nearly killed me."

Maybe this was all a dream. Maybe he would wake up tomorrow and nothing would have happened. And while walking into the office that morning to meet his taichou that was what he kept telling himself.


	16. Pressure

_"The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary. Men alone are quite capable of every wickedness."  
_- Joseph Conrad

**Chapter 15: Pressure **

Gin was sitting. Not sitting in a relaxed manner, but in a more anxious way. Looking quite paranoid. Kira knew that his taichou was not well, in fact he looked far from well. He also saw that there was a nasty open wound on his forehead and the left side of his face. And it was recent. Very recent.

"Taichou, you're bleeding." Kira was growing concerned now. "You should really get that wound seen to."

"No." Gin replied, not even turning to face him, "No, just no…"

"Then why don't you let me take a look at it?"

"No, its fine Izuru-kun…"

"But I can heal it for you."

He didn't understand. Why didn't his taichou want to let him help? He tried to get closer so he could better examine the wound, trying to move his hair out of the way so he could see it better. And to do that he needed to touch his taichou's face.

"Here, just let me…"

Gin was breathing heavily, panicking now. Looking around wildly as Izuru attempted to examine the nasty wound.

Gin tried to gently push him away, telling Izuru to stop and to back off, but it didn't work.

"No, please… d- don't touch me…"

"Hold still…"

"Nn- no…" he panted, still in a state of ever growing panic, "don't… s- stop."

He wasn't hearing him any more… unbeknown to Kira, he was hearing Aizen.

He didn't like this.

"Pl- please don't."

Maybe Kira had moved his hand too far. Or maybe he had accidentally brushed past his body somehow, or put his hand onto Ichimaru's chest when he shouldn't have. But for some reason his taichou had just snapped.

_"I told you not to fucking touch me!__" _  
He had slapped him. Hard. Across the face.

His taichou had hit him.

The next few moments went quiet, and Kira just stood there waiting. Speechless. His taichou had struck him. His eyes were now so wide. Kira saw Gins expression drop and Gin was on him seconds later after, blade to his throat and pinning him to the floor.

_"Don__'t you__…ever, ever, ever touch me!__"_ Gin screamed at him, hitting him between words. He snarled through gritted teeth, as he glared coldly down at Izuru. Clearly he was not himself. His taichou would never hit him if he were himself.

Time had slowed down, another slap on the face. Pain was all that coursed through Kira's body as he hit him again, this time in the ribs. Kira saw his eyes, they were hollow, empty. His taichou's eyes were open, but they were not seeing. Not seeing the pain, the agony. No, they saw red. They _were _red.

He hit Kira again. The stomach, the face. He tries to defend himself with his arms but he can't. His taichou just carried on beating him. Hitting him. Digging his fingers into him and making him bleed viciously. The blood slowly pooling on the floor beneath him, staining his clothes and the wooden floor. Kira tried to beg him to stop, crying and whimpering now, but he didn't listen. He just carried on. The violence just continued. And Kira felt every agonizing blow. Every second felt like an age. He rolled over to try and escape the blows, but it didn't work. Gin just ended up bruising his back instead, and cutting Kira on a different area of his small body. Still Kira was battered by him. Still it continued.

Why was his taichou doing this? He trusted him. He had finally just begun to learn to trust him…

Why?

He hit Kira again, causing a black eye. Cutting him, bruising him, making him cry out in pain. He was breathing heavily, pouring all of his strength into each smack. Kira wanted him to stop. He prayed for the pain to end. But it didn't.

It carried on.

Then afterwards, he stopped. After all of the pain, the anger, the _hatred, _Gin stopped. Only after all of his emotion and rage and energy had been emptied out of him, did he finally stop. He was kneeling beside Kira now, panting heavily. And Kira was lying on his stomach and looking bewildered at him. Covered in blood.

Why had he done this?

"Ta- taichou?"

Gin looked up, snapping his head to the side to look at Izuru, glaring at him hatefully.

"Don't you _ever__… _touch me again."


	17. Rewind

_"The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you will see."  
_- Winston Churchill

**Chapter 16: Rewind **

Kira ran. He ran far away. He had left Ichimaru there and just ran, still with the scenes of horror playing and repeating again in his mind. They wouldn't go away. They never went away. They still plagued him, even to this very day. And what Gin did to him just made it worse.

The memories.

All because of him they were back again. How could he have been so cruel?

_"Don__'t touch me!__"_

Gin's harsh words still echoing in his mind, he clutched his head as he ran. He was bleeding profusely now. He was used to pain, he had been in pain before. Pain was temporary, but not the emotional hurt that came with the wounds that his taichou had so mercilessly inflicted upon him. That was permanent.

It made him remember again. It made him remember his mother, his cruel and wicked mother. His mother from when he was alive. The mother who had killed him, beaten him to death.

How could his taichou have done this to him?

_"I told you not to fucking touch me!__"_

Still he ran and ran. Still bleeding and reliving it. Feeling Gin scream and beat him, reminding him of his past life. He thought he could trust him, but he just ended up betraying and hurting him. Like his mother did.

He ran past everyone, ignoring their looks, ignoring their gasps of horror. No, he kept on running, locking himself in the bathroom and throwing off his clothes. Turning on the shower and panicking. Rifling through the bathroom cabinet and sending all manner of things falling onto the floor and into the sink. Medicines, toothbrushes, toothpaste, tweezers, shaving cream, skin products. Each of which came crashing onto the floor, glass medicine bottles shattering, pill boxes and bottles tumbling into the sink. With Kira eventually finding his razor among them.

He could feel his heart pounding as he shakily and hurriedly removed the blade from the holder. When he had done so he hovered it above his wrist, trembling.

What was one more cut to the many that his taichou had given him? What was one more slight pain? One more wound? One more hurt compared to the many others?

What was one more?

But still the blade hovered above his wrist in his shaking hand.

"Fuck it!"

He screamed, throwing the blade against the wall, sobbing as he watched it clatter to the floor. He couldn't do it. He just couldn't. Not again.

He then climbed into the shower and slammed the door shut behind him. His back leaning against the wall as the tears continued to fall. He slowly slid down onto the floor, clutching his heavily bleeding arm. Watching his battered and bruised body bleed as he just sat there under the warm running water and wept.

He wept for everything, he wept for his mother, he wept for his weakness, and he cried such tears of hurt and betrayal for what Ichimaru Gin had just done to him. And he cried knowing that this was what his life was going to be like from now on - as his taichou's object.


	18. Control

_"Only when you surrender control, can the manipulation truly begin"  
_- TDW

**Chapter 17: Control **

Much time had passed. And Kira had just found his friend Renji after he had been beaten by one of the ryoka. Momo was with him. Kuchiki Taichou had just left them and Ichimaru Taichou had just reappeared, offering to get Renji some help.

"Come along Izuru"

"Yes Taichou."

Momo was watching over the unconscious body of Renji as they left. And Izuru was following his captain, supposedly going off to the fourth division to get Abarai some medical attention. But much to his surprise, Gin had led him into a secluded alley.

"Ta…Taichou?"

There was no warning. He just snapped. And Kira was slammed against the stone wall and held there by the neck.

"So… how badly _do _ya want me to help?"

He was breathing so rapidly, feeling that all too familiar sensation of cold sweat trickling down his back. Quite literally terrified. His clenched fists, shaking terribly.

"What's wrong? You want me to help Renji don't you?"

Kira whined again, trembling violently. What was he going to do to him? Oh god.  
He was sweating again, his heart pounding in his ears, dreading each second.

The hand squeezed his neck, causing yet more pain.

"Well, do you?"

"Yes."

"Then you'll give me what I want…"

Kira squeaked as the grip then tightened and another cold hand moved down to the centre of his chest and then down to his stomach, touching his bare skin. Lingering there for a moment before fingertips dug in, deep into the flesh. Drawing blood.

"I told you not to scream" the voice hissed, scratching him across his belly. But Kira did scream.

"I'll help Renji, if…" the nails dug in harder, making him bleed more. "You obey my orders, _whatever_ they may be…"

"Please Taichou, you have to help Renji… I…I'll do whatever you say."

"Then… you swear yourself to me?"

He swallows hard. Feeling his own hot blood trickle down him, as Gin slowly forced him down onto the floor so that he was lying on his back. He wanted to fight back, but he was overpowered. Both by his own fear and the physical strength of his captain. His body would not react he was so scared.

He was sitting on him now, looking into him. Looking deep down into the very core of him. His violent red eyes staring coldly down at the weak and vulnerable creature that was now beneath him, making the other tremble and whimper.

Kira screamed again as he felt another sharp pain course through his body, making him scream again.

"Yes! Yes I swear!"

The smile widened. "Good."

And Kira was just left there, whimpering. Having saved Renji, but surrendering all control in the process. It was a big mistake.


	19. Come hither

_"Delay is the deadliest form of denial."  
_- British Historian C. Northcote Parkinson

**Chapter 18: Come hither **

Many days had passed since Renji got injured. Now these were normal days, when the interaction between the captain and lieutenant of squad three were nothing strange. Just normal conversation. Normal behaviour that one would normally expect between a captain and subordinate. But that was all about to change. And it would change very quickly.

"Oh Izuru…" he heard Gin calling out to him one day from another room. "Can ya come in 'ere for a minute?"

Kira sighed.  
"Coming Taichou!"

What did his taichou want him for? What could possibly beckon him there? But he knew he had to obey. Its not like a fukutaichou had any choice but to follow their taichou now was it?

Maybe it was normal business, but then again, what if it wasn't? What would he do then? But he swore himself, for Renji. So he would have to just go and find out. Even if he chose to refuse him, then it might just bring about trouble. Gin was too powerful for Kira to fight against. That he had learnt from before.

His taichou was calling him. And he had to obey.

He swore himself to him.

He swore…

"Come hither Izuru…"

He hesitates. Does he go in? Does he face whatever lies behind those closed doors?

"Don't keep me waiting Izuru-kun…"

In the end, he does. He chooses to enter the room. For he really has no choice.


	20. Behind closed doors

_"What is food to one is to others bitter poison."  
_- Lucretious

**Chapter 19: Behind closed doors**

Kira anxiously and very nervously entered the room, where his taichou was. He didn't know what he was summoned for, but somehow he just got this dark and terrible feeling of foreboding.

Kira could feel his stomach twist in his gut. Feeling his heart begin to pound, that sinister air surrounding him again as he softly closed the door behind him. Clicking it shut.

"You… wanted to see me, Taichou?"

What happened next came without warning.

Gin just lunged at him, pushing him down to the floor, catching him by surprise. Kira's body froze. He knew that look in his eyes, that wild eyed look. He swallowed hard. He tried to scream, call for help, he knew what was going to happen and he didn't want it to. He didn't want to have to go through this again.

He wanted to run, to get away, but he was ensnared. Caught like a rabbit in a trap. Caught in the vice like grip, with no escape. He tried to fight, but again his body wouldn't let him. He couldn't move. He had been consumed by that feeling of fear again. Wondering just what was going to happen this time as Gin's cold hands worked their way around his neck.

"_Don't struggle…"_


	21. Be quiet

_"Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel."  
_- Mark Twain

**Chapter 20: Be quiet **

"Be quiet" the cold voice hissed at him. He tried to scream but a hand was covering his mouth. The other hand was around his neck, pinning him down on the floor. Kira whimpered in fear.

"You swore yerself to me, remember…"

Kira whimpered again. What was his taichou going to do to him? He was holding his wrist so tightly now and keeping him pinned. He tried to scream for help, for this shouldn't be happening. This wasn't right, not right at all.

"I told ya to be quiet!" he snarled again,

Pain. That was all that coursed through him. Gin had struck him. Hard. Right across the face. Another blow to the body was what resulted from howling in pain.

Fear. That familiar feeling of fear consumed him again. He couldn't breathe now, he was struggling even to breathe.

"Mask your reitsu" the cold voice hissed at him.

Kira, still panicking, complied with this wish, not wanting to feel any more pain. He thought that if he obeyed the pain would stop.

How wrong he was.

Kicking and screaming he was somehow forced to roll onto his stomach and gripped by the arm and the back of the neck by a pair of cold hands. Such cold hands that dug into him, drawing yet more blood from him. Making him twist and whimper every time they struck him. He wanted to scream. He wanted to fight, but he couldn't. There was no escape from him. He was too strong for Kira to fight. Too strong to push away.

But he had to keep masking his reitsu, if he didn't then the pain would get worse.

"Taichou!" Kira screamed, now in complete agony. Only to then find the hand covering his mouth and face again.

"_Why can't you be quiet?!" _Gin snarled again, almost yelling as he threw Izuru against the wall with great force. His body smashing glass and breaking wood, causing pain to shoot through his limbs, bruising him badly. He was strong, too strong for Kira to fight back against. Truth was, this was the first time he had seen his captain display his true power, anger and physical rage.

And what else? Anger? Hatred? Desire? Desire to hurt? The need to use and abuse?

"I told ya ta mask yer _damn reitsu!" _He snarled, half yelling as he felt the mass amount of spiritual energy leave his prey, forcing him face first into the floor again with his body pressured against him. His fingers digging in further and further. Inflicting more pain upon the small body beneath him.

"Ugh, no taichou.. taichou please…"

But still the pain continued. The violence and the beating carried on. He couldn't go on anymore, every second was sheer agony.

"Taichou stop!"

Gin froze suddenly, still pinning him down. The both of them were panting heavily. Kira felt him shudder as he just lay there whimpering. Waiting for another blow. Waiting to be hit again.

But nothing happened. It had gone quiet. And he just left him there. He just silently got up and left him.

And after he was done with him, with the violence and the beating, Kira was just left there. Panting and bruised. And so, so alone. And watching the other walking quietly away he thought about that feeling of that neck against his, and that sinister voice whispering into his ear.

"You are not to utter a word about this to anyone. Understand?"

Kira nodded shakily, his heart still pounding and the adrenaline from fear still surging through him.

"Good."

And after he had gone, only after he was completely sure that he was out of sight, did Kira break down and let the tears fall.


	22. Silent victim

_"All secrets are deep. All secrets become dark. That's in the nature of secrets."  
_- Cory Doctorow

**Chapter 21: Silent victim **

Kira lay there shaking, with the hot fresh tears pouring endlessly from his eyes. Gin had changed so rapidly that it seemed like it wasn't Gin any more. He'd grown used to Gin's moods but the change would always catch him unaware. It was as if the other violent Gin waited until Izuru's guard was at its lowest before taking over completely and abusing him. But thankfully, he stopped before he could do anything worse to Kira other than just beating him. His body was stinging from the cuts that he had just received from when he was thrown around. It was quiet, too quiet. Where was everyone else?

But then again, wouldn't Gin wait until they were alone together before turning violent? Wouldn't he wait until they were in a secluded spot before torturing him?

So, going by that theory, Izuru firmly believed that no matter how loudly he screamed, nobody would hear him.

But a short while after that incident occurred, everything then went back to normal. Or whatever an outside witness would call 'normal' anyway. But Kira's version of normal was far more twisted. Far more obscene. Tainted, for lack of a better word. So much so that when things appeared to be somebody else's definition of 'normal' to Kira it meant that something was wrong. Horribly wrong.

His taichou would beat him. Use him, abuse him, and take what he wanted from him through means of force. Kick him, scream at him, make him bleed and cry.

Kira had to walk on eggshells; he was always on his toes and worried about what mood his taichou was in. If he were in a good mood then Kira wouldn't get hurt. But good moods were rare, and seldom come across. Sometimes Gin would just snap at him for no reason, or if Kira asked one question too many about how he was. He would always answer "fine" or "okay" even through he clearly didn't look it.

One lesson Kira learned over time was not to ask at all when Kira decided to remark "but you don't seem fine", which was then that Gin screamed in protest that he was.

"I'm fucking fine!" was the response.

Looking at his taichou during the day anyone would see the light; that soft smile, his levity, his squinted eyes. But only Kira knew what that mask of lies hid. All those cruel smiles and all of the fury in those deep red eyes. The violent nature of him and the man behind the mask. Nobody saw that, only Kira.

Kira only saw the darkness, never the light.

Whenever the mood took him, Gin would beat him. Cause him pain. Often forcing himself on Kira. Hold him down and torture him, violently take him. For Kira it was agony. And every time he would feel so filthy. Dirty. Sometimes waking up with bruises long before the older ones even had a chance to heal. Sometimes he would even cry himself to sleep he was in that much pain.

Kira was used. Abused.

Some nights he would be so forceful that Kira would bleed internally, not being able to even walk. Screamed at, sworn at. Have things thrown at him. Have glass cut into him as it broke upon impact. And Kira couldn't do anything about it. He couldn't fight back, he couldn't run away. He was stuck.

Hurt, humiliated, betrayed. And he couldn't tell anyone.

Not that anybody would have believed him if he did. And he didn't even want to think about what Gin would do to him if he tried to tell. So he thought it wise to keep his mouth shut about all that went on between them.

Often Kira would tear down the corridor in attempts to escape the beatings. Run down screaming, being chased down by the grinning bloodthirsty monster running after him. Grabbed by his hair and pulled back. But nobody heard him. Only Gin would ever hear him scream.

Kira was a victim. A victim sworn to silence.

A silent victim of an abusive taichou. That was what Kira was.

So when Kira's definition of 'normal' changed when his taichou went missing for a few days, he was certain something was wrong. But he didn't know how right he was. However, for a short while, his abuser was out of the picture. So for a time, even if for a very short time, Izuru actually seemed genuinely happy. His physical pain was starting to subside. He slept content at night, his bruises were starting to heal, he was even looking better. And he felt better. He was eating well and he didn't have to worry about anything.

He couldn't tell anybody the reason why he was relieved though. He couldn't tell anyone that. Nobody would believe him, even if he did.


	23. Making excuses

Wow this is going amazingly well. Surprisingly so. The mirror story to this is coming along great too (albeit with very long chapters by my standards, but still great) November is coming up, which means it be national novel writing month soon! (which I've only just found out about today)  
And I just found out fanfics are allowed! So I think I'll sign up and do Aizen's side of it all. For those of you who are reading both this AND the mirror fic MTM, they will be going on hold for 30 days if I do.

Yes, I do realise that 50,000 words is a lot to do in 30 days, and yes, I do realise that the majority of what I write will be trash. But, why not? I will overcome my perfectionism for life if I manage it. And yes, it WILL need beta'ing before it is anywhere remotely near ready to appear on here. I will be abandoning all laws of grammar and errors are likely to be everywhere.

So… who thinks I should go for it? Since it might be the only way to get my lazy writer arse into gear with that plot. I'm only gonna be doing this for the fun, for the joys of writing what I like, letting my inner demon go mad with the yaoi-abuse, and saying "to fuck with the consequences! I don't care if its crap, I don't care what people will think, I am going to do it anyway!"

Sorry for the long rant, here's a longer chappie to make up for me going on.

------------------------------

_"In all truth, everybody lies. At some point we have all been liars, either to ourselves or to others."  
_- TDW

**Chapter 22: Making excuses**

The days soon passed by, and in the absence of his taichou Kira actually tasted a normal life. Happy in the short time that he didn't have to worry about getting hurt or beaten, but somewhere in the back of his mind he wasn't sure how long this was going to last. And the curious part of him did at least want to know where Gin was. Maybe he could ask Sousuke Taichou, he would know. Gin used to be his fukutaichou after all. and he knew him better than Kira did.

So that was what he would do, he would go and ask Sousuke Taichou where he was. He didn't quite know what answer to expect, even though the answer he was given would completely stun him. Aizen was working at his desk when Izuru entered after knocking on the door, again still showing the taichou the utmost respect.

"Aizen Taichou, can I have a word with you?"

"Hm?"

Aizen lifted his head up from his work, looking at Kira as he walked in shyly.

"Oh, it's you Izuru, please take a seat. What did you want to talk to me about?"

Kira pulled out one of the chairs and dragged it over to the desk to sit opposite Aizen so they could talk. Aizen was always so nice, and Kira felt like he could relax around him. Not walk on eggshells like he did with his own taichou. But if Gin's former taichou was kind, then why was Gin always so abusive to him? What was it about Kira that made Gin want to hurt him?

"Sousuke Taichou… I wanted to ask you…"

Aizen raised his hand to stop him even before he could finish.

"Please, just call me Aizen. There is only us here, there is nobody here to be formal for." He smiled, putting the nervous Kira slightly at ease. But only slightly. Because he was still nervous asking about the whereabouts of his taichou. No, his _abuser._

"Aizen Taichou, I wanted to ask you about Ichimaru Taichou. Do… do you know where he is?"

Aizen sighed regretfully, steadily rubbing his head with his fingertips. It was as if he didn't really want to talk about it.

"I really didn't want to have to be the one to tell you this Kira, but, Gin is currently being hospitalised."

Kira was taken back. Gin was in hospital? What for? Was he alright? What had happened to him?

"The story is that a hollow attacked him because of the scandal it would cause, but he's being treated for severe alcohol poisoning."

Kira just sat there gaping at him, shocked to the very core at what he had just been told. Was that right? Was this true?

"Gin's… an alcoholic?"

"I'm afraid so."

"Oh my god. I… I had no idea…"

"Addicts hide it well don't they? Not even I knew."

So that was why Gin hurt him? Because he was drinking? Because he had an addiction to alcohol, Gin became violent and abused him? Maybe that wasn't the reason. But Kira so badly wanted an explanation for what he was suffering. He wanted to know the reason _why _he was being abused and hurt. So maybe that's why Kira accepted it. Made excuses for it.

Did Kira understand Gin? No, probably not. But he understood that he was violent because he had been drinking. There was likely a deeper reason than this, but Kira wishes to accept the explanation he has been given. He chose to believe what he had been told by Aizen. Whether or not he was a trustworthy source however, is another story for a different time. But Kira wanted to believe the best in people, and in most respects that made him quite naïve.

So Kira went about his days, living life as he would have done if none of the abuse had ever happened. Living an outsiders definition of what would be called a normal life. Gradually becoming quite blissfully ignorant to the ever looming fact that these peaceful days of his were numbered.

Because when Gin eventually returned, everything would go to hell again. And when he did, for Kira it meant that the abuse would just escalate even further.


	24. Normality

I know, I'm awful. You don't have to tell me. I know my editor will definitely not be pleased with me for getting distracted…

I should be writing 'abusive compulsive' right about now. But alas, breaks are needed for me to function properly. But on another note – I can't wait to get ch 26 up here! But I may play around with it a little first. Add scenes, edit and such. After NaNo of course. I'm currently at 21,650 words. So I'm doing well! And Aizen is doing some strange and wonderful things. Not necessarily good things though. Well okay, bad things. very very bad things.

I won't wreck it because I hate it when people wreck plots for me, but it's very dark and psychological. I think my wonderful editor can testify to this. Really, she rocks so much. Ahhhh, don't gut me like a trout! Please! I need to finish these interlinking stories! And that yaoi fic I promised you in relation to this lot!

* * *

_"Disbelieve me when I say that all is sweetness and light. For in reality, it is far from it."  
_- TDW

**Chapter 23: Normality **

It was just another day. Quiet, everybody doing something. Gin had come back and normality had returned with him. When he walked through that door Kira was stunned into silence. Of course it would have happened eventually, he knew that Gin would come back eventually, but it still shocked him.

"Ohiyo, Izuru-kun." He smiled, just like he would usually.

"Oh, h- hi Taichou."

He was back, and Kira knew what that meant. It meant that everything would go back to normality again.

But Gin, was he clean now? Was he sober?

Kira didn't know. He didn't want to know. As far as Kira knew everything would just rapidly transition itself back to the way it was before he left. He didn't ask why he was gone, he didn't question anything. Life just carried on like normal. But some small part of him, some tiny, tiny part of him hoped otherwise that he'd changed his ways. That he was cured.

But he wasn't.

The day went by with an air of awkwardness. Conversation was forced, and many a smile was faked. Because the both of them knew what would happen later on. No matter how hard Kira would try to deny it, he knew that they would end up in the bedroom somehow. Either by Kira being dragged there or forced to go by other means.

Either way it didn't matter.

He called for him that night. In that bittersweet voice of his, softly beguiling him to come hither.

"Oh Izuru…" he beckoned, waiting for the obedient Kira to come when he was called. This time he went willingly, knowing that refusing would result in a beating. He had learnt that from many previous experiences. From his many unpleasant experiences, and his many uncountable cuts and bruises.

He locks the door. There, no escape now. He purrs quietly in Kira's ear telling him to strip off.

"Undress Izuru…"

Gin unclothes himself. Displaying the entirety of his body to Izuru. Kira looks, Kira observes as he does so. Trying to drown out the sense of dread slowly building up inside him. Trying to abstain from vomiting even though there is nothing to throw back up. Because he has not eaten. Not today.

Pale arms snake around his neck from behind. Gently, coaxing the naked Kira to the bed. The smile unwavering as always. Strangely sensual, but this part wouldn't last for long. It never did.

Kira knows that it is better not to flinch away from his touch. He knows that it was far better to endure him than to back away and be beaten worse. No matter what Gin did to him he had to endure it. If he tried to run away then the punishment would just be worse, he would be beaten and abused to a worse extent. He would be taken, beaten, screamed at, used and abused. But this was normal.

It was just another day.

Just another night when Gin would take him. A hand moves southwards down Kira's abdomen and onto his stomach. Continuing downwards to between his legs. Kira makes no reaction, for this has all happened before. Hands touching and squeezing him before pulling him onto the bed.

It was as if Gin was letting go of his inhibitions. But normally he would be more rougher than this. Today was different, gentler even. It still hurt him, and it didn't make it any less embarrassing, but it was somewhat gentler than normal. He can't fathom why though. He never could think of why.

It stung when he entered him, like it always did. He was lying on his back now directly under Gin. Looking but not seeing. Feeling the body weight on top of him holding him still. Listening to the moans of pleasure that escaped Gin as he roughly violated Kira's fragile form. Kira making no sounds apart from the odd pained moan which just seemed to drive Gin on further.

But this was just empty sex. No emotion was there. He was gentler than before, but not loving. Far from loving. It still felt disgusting.

Kira felt his movements inside of him, those uncomfortable sensations, and the body of the other collapse onto him once he had emptied into Kira. Lying there panting on top of him for a while before pulling out of him and sitting on the edge of the bed, facing away from him.

"You can go now." He says coldly, not watching Kira get dressed again and exit the room. Neither one of them making any sound whatsoever. Kira breathing shakily as he dragged his aching body to its feet again. The sensation of pain again coursing its way through him. Feeling so full of shame and disgust that this could have even happened, and so full of filth and fluids unwanted.

On the surface things would appear to be fine. Nobody would ever think that this kind of thing ever did happen. That things were normal between them.

But in truth things are far from normal, and no-one would ever know what went on behind those closed doors. No-one ever knew of the pain and the suffering that occurred from such unspoken acts of violence.

But this was normal.

This was Kira's normality, his sick and twisted version of normality. And there was absolutely nothing that he could do about it.


	25. Defending thy abuser

Ya know, today, for the first time in six months, I have sat and watched some bleach. Amazing no? I needed to refresh my memory on this particular part. I'm a very visual person when it comes to these things. Probably why I write so well when asked to write a scene from pictures. If I can visualise, I can write things. and it becomes so much easier for me.

But I'm still ashamed its been that long since I last watched any anime at all. The last episode I saw before that was the one with Little Gin. And I _still _need to watch the Fade to black movie. *sigh* I feel I am in no place to call myself an addict anymore. Nope. I'm still surprised I actually remember half the plot. And now everytime I hear Gin I can only think of Lau from Kuro after OD'ing on that after six months of nothing. And I can only see Aizen as some… really… perverted… Neeeergh (the sound of 'how the fu-- did this happen?!') why did I write that really long oneshot? WHY?! Was I THAT delirious with the flu? That's it; I must have been delirious.

Ugh, I think I've wrecked bleach. I can't do AiGin seriously (thankyou very much nii-sama), I laugh evilly everytime Kira is on camera, and Gin… well, erm, has anyone ever pictured him in a dress? Because I have. And to me now, Aizen is some sex crazed pervert. But oh yes, this is still a serious anime, just not for me anymore.

* * *

_"With foxes, we must play the fox."  
_- Thomas Fuller

**Chapter 24: Defending thy abuser**

Time passed. Exactly how much time though Izuru was unaware of. Either that or he has stopped counting the days because each one was pretty much the same now.

Abuse.

Hurt.

Not that it did much now. After all, the more it happened, the less it seemed to hurt. Maybe because his body was adjusting to it and that he was becoming accustomed to it. So it was slowly and steadily becoming physical pain now. He was growing increasingly numb to the emotional hurt that came along with the violence done against him. Well, it wasn't like he was a virgin the first time Gin did it to him. He'd been hurt much more before that. So seemingly what Gin did to him was nothing in comparison to the first trauma he'd received. From the first heartbreak since arriving here. So whatever Gin did to him, surely he could handle.

All of the beatings he suffered. All of the torture and hurt. All of the rough and meaningless sex.

But was this the debt that he owed because Gin saved his life? Did he owe Gin for that? Was that why he was being treated like this? Like an object?

Because that man saved his life did that give him the right to treat him like this?

Kira didn't know. Maybe that was how things around here worked. That if you saved somebody's life that they owed you. That you _owned them. _Or was it the fact that Kira had sworn himself completely to Ichimaru Gin the reason why he was being treated like this. The reason that he was _allowing _himself to be treated like this. Subconsciously it probably was. But it had become the norm now; it had become art of his regular routine. And he was accustomed to it.

He woke up in his room in the morning aching. Nothing unusual. Gin was long gone. He'd come in during the night and had his wicked way with his body. Again, nothing unusual. Only today his legs refused to support him, so when he tried to stand he just collapsed onto the floor. He cursed under his breath.

"Crap."

He had a meeting today and he had to be able to stand up at least. Even if he was unable to use shunpo he had to at least be able to physically _walk._ People would suspect otherwise. He was on his knees on the wooden floor and blood was slowly trickling down onto his leg, but that didn't bother him; he had seen his own blood before many times. He slapped his upper leg in attempt to get some feeling back into the numb limbs.

"Come on, come on wake up."

He was in his hakama and he had to get dressed otherwise he would miss this meeting. But why did it have to be today of all days hat his legs decided to pack in.

"No… no, not today, not today. Ugh shit."

He sighed, gazing up at the ceiling whilst still on his knees. His legs were completely numb and he would just have to sit there and wait for some feeling to come back into them. He slapped his legs again until some of the numbness alleviated.

"Yes…"

He grinned, having regained some movement in his legs enough to shakily stand and put on his shihakusho, unsteadily staggering to the door. God if he didn't regain some balance soon…

"Argh, shit."

He was still shaking uncontrollably. God this was worse than before, it never ususlly took this long for him to regain feeling in his legs. Man, Gin must have been really rough with him this time for his body to be numb even in the morning.

He started to walk out anyway, his balance slowly returning to him as he walked, but he was still a little shaky when he got into the meeting room. Rangiku was already there, as was Renji and a couple of others. So they were just waiting for Hinamori to show up.

They waited for around an hour before the scream came. And when it did Kira's blood ran cold. Like ice.

_"Aizen Taichou!"_

It was Hinamori's voice.

"Hinamori-kun…"

They ran. They all ran, and Kira led the pack as they followed the direction which the scream came from. All of them skidding to a stop when they saw her standing there, standing stock still and gazing upwards. He ran over to her, frantic as to what provoked her scream.

"Hinamori-kun! Hinamori-kun? What is it?"

He turned, facing the wall she was staring at. Realising the pure shock and horror of it all. He was staring at Sousuke Aizen's dead body. Splattered in blood and hanging from the wall. Like hanging from the rafters.

Sousuke Aizen was dead.

Kira trembled. Aizen was… dead? No, that couldn't be. It can't be…

_"Aizen Taichou!"_

Hinamori screamed again, half wailing in despair and trying to fight back her tears. Falling to her knees before his bloody corpse. And Kira could only stand there, watching her fall to pieces. Until his blood ran cold again.

_"Oya, what's all th' noise so early in the mornin'?"_

Everybody stopped and looked. It was Ichimaru. Kira's heart started to pound and he started to break out into a cold sweat. It was like when they first met again, that same sense of fear and dread consumed him. He started to shake, thankfully unnoticeably. His eyes widened, pupils dilated, staring at someone so calm among the carnage. And Kira felt fear again.

Hinamori looked at him, and then all time seemed to slow down as she started to run at Gin, her blade poised for the kill, aiming at his throat. And Izuru could have left it like that. He could have let her go on, and kill him.

But we all know that this doesn't happen.

Maybe he thought that Gin would try to defend himself, or maybe he didn't want to be partially responsible for his death, or maybe he wanted to clear this debt that he owed to him, but his body just seemed to move on its own. Before he had really any time to think, he was between them, blade drawn.

Defending his abuser.

* * *

Can I ask ya'll something? the few people out there that like my work – my other story 'if things were different', I would like for this to be turned into a manga by someone. Yes, I would actually commission someone to turn my words into pictures for me. I would do so myself but I have neither the time nor the artistic ability. That and a tempermental scanner and I have no clue how to use photoshop. And I can't draw Kira for crap.

So does anybody know anyone that takes on big projects like this as commissions? Or would anybody like to? I would love to have that fic as a… (Oi, what's the word for fan comic you people use?) Yeah, one of those. That would be awesome and I would love the artist forever if they did one for me. I would like to have one done, 'cept it probably aint gonna happen. But still, thought I'd throw it out there.


	26. Emotional blackmail

This is supposed to be the easiest of the three abuse fics, if I'm finding this one difficult, what does that say about the other more intricate ones? It does not bode well I tell you. This chapter was a mess for a while, so I think I may have screwed up somewhere.

That said, ya know in episode 46, I love how all the hollows just practically line up to be Shinsou'ed. They DO! I swear! And Aizen's just all like "Waahahahaha! Look how badass I am! I can kill hollows with my _bare hands! Goodbye my brethren!"_ OH THE CRACK! And I think I've just gone and wrecked the plot now... oops. I'll stop plotwrecking now.

* * *

_"Manipulating someone is easy. Manipulating someone to do your bidding is a little trickier."  
_- taken from ehow

**Chapter 25: Emotional blackmail **

Kira snarled at Momo, looking into her brown eyes but ignoring the tears slowly starting to fall. Their blades crossed. Good, maybe now he could clear his debt. Repay a life for a life.

"Izuru-kun… why?"

He glared coldly back at her, not seeing her distress, only her insanity. This was his one chance to get his freedom and not even she was going to stand in his way. Or rather, in the way of his taichou living.

"I cannot allow you to raise your sword to my taichou, no matter what the reason."

She gasped. He was being so cold, not like the Izuru she knew. This man was someone different entirely. But she didn't know what he was now willing to do to get his life back, she didn't know what happened behind closed doors, she didn't know how far he was willing to go to be free of the smiling demon. Of all of the hurt and abuse he was suffering. She thought he was just being spiteful, she thinks he is doing this purely to hurt her. But really, to Kira, it was survival of the fittest. He was going to repay his debts even if people got hurt. Because frankly, he was sick of being treated like this by people. He has lost his trust in humanity now. Lost faith in love.

Because nobody cared.

Really, nobody cared enough to stop it.

They just let him get treated like this. Both then and now. By the love he once had, and now by his taichou. Would it never end? The self same abuse and the trauma. All of the heartache and threats to self harm. How close would he have to be to killing himself would he have to be before anybody took notice and stepped in?

"Izuru-kun… please… stand aside."

No, it would never end.

Maybe because he was afraid to let anybody know.

Because he'd hidden it. Kept it secret for so long.

How much weight had he lost now? From not eating, from not sleeping enough? How many times would he have to pass out from exhaustion? How far would he have to be pushed? How much would he have to suffer before anyone saw the bruises? Would he actually have to cut himself for them to see?

How much more would he suffer?  
Just how much longer would it continue before he ended up six feet under?

But it was continuing because he was _letting it._

But no more. He needed to get out of this life now, and if that meant that Momo got hurt then so be it. He would probably regret this later, but right now he wasn't thinking straight. He was thinking of his own safety, of his own well being. For once in his life he was being selfish. And he didn't even care if Gin _did_ kill Aizen, because Kira knew that he would die himself if life continued like this.

"No. I refuse."

Momo growled, but still Kira refused to let her past. He wasn't going to give up. He wanted freedom and he was damned if he wasn't going to get it. He shook his head and gave her a look that said 'don't you even _dare'. _But still she persisted. Still she wanted to fight.

Gin started to walk away, and Momo only became more desperate to get at him.

"Please stand aside Izuru…"

"I said, I refuse."

No, he couldn't let her past now. He wasn't going to give up his chance at freedom that easily. He had to repay his debt and make things square. A life for a life right? And this was the only way to assure that nobody died in the process. Because he couldn't stand to see anybody die.

"Stand aside! Move!"

"I already told you I can't!"

He watched as she snarled again, screeching the name of her zanpaktou and nearly blowing up the whole of the bridge they were standing on.

"How dare you release your zanpaktou here. Do you realise what you're doing any more?!"

"I'm not going to let him just get away with murder Izuru!"

Kira sighed, very well, he'd already gone this far.

"Very well, then you are now an enemy to me."

He released his own zanpaktou and lunged at her, his eyes seeing red. Why should he be the only one hurting? Why should he have to suffer like this? Maybe it would do nothing, but he had to at least try. But he'd just lost it; he saw red and could only think of taking down his opponent. His only thoughts were of inflicting harm. All of the anger that had built up inside of him for all of these months, no, maybe even years of hurt, just exploded in one huge outburst.

And just like Ichimaru Gin, he saw red.

He only snapped back to sense when he was stopped by Hitsugaya and arrested, and then dragged away and shoved into a holding cell, where he would stay. And where his head would clear enough for him to feel guilty again about acting as selfishly as he did.

**----------- **

He was in that cell for some time, everything replaying over and over again in his head. What the fuck did he do that for? What could have possibly snapped in him that he wanted to cause hurt? He didn't know. Maybe it was all of the buried emotion and anger at being abused, the anger at himself for letting it happen.

But he'd just snapped. Completely lost it.

He gritted his teeth and got to his feet, starting to pace back and forth frantically. Frustrated, angry. Guilty.

"Why the fuck did I do that?!" he screamed, grabbing the small wooden chair and throwing it against the wall, breaking it. His breathing becoming heavy. He then slumped onto the floor and clutched his head in his hands and wailed.

"What's wrong with me?"

_"Oh wow," _

That voice again. The voice that made his blood run cold and his body tremble. The voice that screamed and swore at him. That same, schizophrenic, lying voice.

_"Yer a wreck. Poor thing. Jus' what did they do to ya?"_

Izuru just stared at him, his eyes as wide as dinner plates. Just why was he here? What possible reason could he have to come and see him here?

_"Do ya want me to help ya?"_

Oh right, that. To rack up another debt. But it's not like Kira can refuse. Because he knows that he needs help. He just doesn't know where to turn. Who to turn to. So he just goes back to what he knows. He gives up. Because nothing will change.

They know that nothing will change.

"Yes..."

_"Alrigh'. But first ya have to do somethin' fer me." _

"What?"

_"I want ya to come with me…"_

* * *

_A/N –_

_"Yer a wreck. Poor thing. Jus' what did they do to ya?"_

_errr "they" don't you mean "I" Gin? *laughs* okay, I know I shouldn't laugh, but that's just so funny to me. Sorry, just had to be said. I believe there's a word for it but I can't think of it right now. I feel bad for laughing now, poor Kira… _

_Alright, now, the plots gotten a bit messed up and I don't know whether to just skip the bits in the manga or not, because it will just basically be re-writes of the scenes, a lot of hard work, and I'll probably cover it in the other two mirror fics again anyway. However, I don't know how to make the transition seem smooth and not just a time jump. Hmm decisions. I may just make a reference to the stuff that happens but I don't know how I am going to do that yet. A beta chat is needed methinks. _


	27. Manipulation

Wolf-chan is nothing without her beta. Nothing I tell you! Nothing! Ah, she's awesome. Very awesome indeed. Does so much for me. Much thanks go to her for providing the image with which I could work and helping me get this fic off the ground.  
Dude! Ask for some requests! I haven't done ya anything in a while.

Very important A/N –

**THIS CHAPTER IS RATED MATURE. If you are uncomfortable with pain, a lot of swearing, a very graphic and highly descriptive abuse scene with some rough and hurtful sex, and Gin doing some morally questionable things, then _please _do not read the following. **

**_Please. I implore you._**

**If you want this chappie without the mature bit just PM me as I'm more than happy to accommodate. Because I do get very graphic and I know that some people don't like that sort of stuff. But for gods sakes don't read this version if you know you will not like it! **

That said, prepare for a huge arse update.

* * *

_"Control the mind and the body will follow"  
_- TDW

**Chapter 26: Manipulation **

Days had passed since then. Days that Izuru does not even remember passing by. Normal days, though unusual days for Izuru, for his taichou was nowhere to be seen. That was, until, one night when he was summoned to his room again.

It was late. Kira knew it was late. Gin only ever summoned him when it was late in the evening for the most violent of tortures, after he had been drinking. Like now.

"Izuru-kun…"

He beckoned to him, in the sweetest of voices. So bitterly sweet, for Kira knew what intentions lay behind that smile, that mask. He knew what torture awaited him, and even if he didn't he could make a very accurate guess. He was sitting on the bed and waiting for him.

"I just wanna talk Izuru…"

He was being Gin, the nice Gin. The Gin that wanted to talk and bond with him. Not the other Gin. Not the dark Gin. If it were the dark Gin no words would have even been exchanged, he would have just been beaten. Maybe this would be just to talk without Kira having to brace himself for any pain, for Kira to just spend time with his taichou. But then again, maybe that was too much to hope for now.

"How are ya?"

"I'm okay…"

Kira looked around. This was the taichou. That was what probably made him so nervous right? Being in his room alone with him.

"How was your drink with Aizen Taichou?"

Gin sighed, seemingly contented with his present company.

"Aizen is a bastard… I jus' wanna spend some time with Izuru-kun instead."

Why was his taichou saying this about Sousuke Taichou? He obviously _did _go for that drink with him he mentioned earlier, because Kira could smell the alcohol.

"Izuru-kun… I want ya to do somethin' for me…"

"What is it Taichou?"

Kira could only make out something slurred and incoherent, but he gathered the general idea. And he did not like it.

"Fuck… me…"

Kira paused.

"No."

Gin was a bit taken back by this denial.

_"Why not?__"_

"I don't want to."

_"But ya__'ve got no choice Izuru__…"_

"Why? Why have I no choice?"

Kira was growing more defiant now. More assertive.

_"Because you swore to me__… you said you__'d give me everything__…"_

"Y-yes, but-"

_"But what?__"_

"It…it's just that…"

_"What is it Izuru?__" _Gin asked, his fingertips loosely holding Kira's chin and tilting his head upwards so that Kira was making eye contact with him. The other hand softly stroking his hair. Smiling softly at him again.

"Taichou, you're drunk."

This statement was met with a hard slap across the face, one that knocked Izuru onto the floor. So that he hit the table and bruised.

Kira looked up scornfully at him, looking directly into those hateful red eyes, his lip bleeding. He had been beaten and slapped enough.

"Are you done?"

A silent minute had passed after Kira had asked that question. After this, Gin quietly slid off the bed and crawled towards Izuru, now leaning over him. His body practically right on top of Kira now, almost touching him. Kira had to stand his ground.

Gin smiled wider, displaying his white teeth, opening his eyes by just a small fraction, getting really close to Izuru now. His pale hand grabbing his blonde hair and pulling hard so that Gins eyes could be seen clearly.

_"I am never done.__" _He spat, still smiling._"I will never__…be fucking done with you.__"_

Kira could feel him get closer. So close in fact that his lips were practically almost touching his ear.

_"You belong to me.__"_

Kira winced. He knew what was coming next. He knew that it would be painful, but he swore to himself inside that he would not scream, that he would not break. It was just physical pain, and that he could handle. It wouldn't tear him apart inside as much as the emotional betrayal did back when this abuse all started. Physical pain was nothing now.

He could feel Gins body, with his cold fingers still clenched painfully in his hair. The whispering breath now sending chills down Kira's back. But still he would not cave.

_"You are mine.__"_

Kira couldn't fight him, and he thought better than to try. So he just surrendered. Bracing himself and blanking out his mind as he then let Gin take what he wanted and abuse him while doing so.

_"And I will never__…be done with screwing you over.__"_

……………………………….

Kira swallowed hard, his entire body trembling in fear as Gin's hands exposed him from the shoulders down, and slowly crept along his bare abdomen and his bruised ribs. But only his claws were not digging into him. His fingertips were only tracing the outline of his body; they were not inflicting pain, only making his skin crawl. Because that was all it took, just a single touch to make him shudder. In fear, in pain, in disgust.

His body was still trembling all over as Gin completely undid his shihakusho, ignoring any and all whimpers of protest. Only able to watch as Gin started to undress himself. Taking his sweet, sweet time. Then pulling out a small white cloth to blindfold Kira with. His hand yanked Izuru's hair and forced his head to face to the side, causing him to yelp in pain.

_"Shut up bitch." _

Gin growled as he blindfolded Kira, the alcohol blatantly obvious on his breath, effectively darkening Izuru's world. Taking away his vision and causing another painful yelp as he tightened the cloth and tied it roughly around his head. Pulling hair and causing pain.

_"Ya think you'd like this, whore!"_ he spat, his palm impacting with Izuru's face. Forcing his head to the side again. Another slap, more pain. He felt Gin completely expose and undress him, cold hands working their way upwards and lightly gripping the sides of his abdomen. But not digging in. his movements were jerky and unsteady, yet his fingertips never left Kira's skin. But he could not see Gin, and that was the worst part. He felt every subtle movement, more sensitive to Gin than before, because when one sense is taken away, it heightens the awareness of the other four.

_"Cuz ya keep lettin' it happen, don't ya?"_

A hand pins his wrist down firmly, and he knows there is no escape. Not that there ever was. And the worst part of all was not knowing what was to come next. Only being able to smell and hear and feel as it happened. A tongue on his neck. Teeth sinking into the flesh there. The trickling of warm and freshly drawn blood down his skin. Hearing the sinister whispering voice in his ear.

_"Don't think I don't know… what you've done with him."_

But that was just the beginning. For the worst is yet to come. Kira can deal with lies, he can deal with insults, he can stand being screamed and sworn at, being called a filthy fucking slut, he could stand the physical pain, but not knowing. No, he could never stand not knowing what was to come. Even though he had no clue what Gin was talking about, but then again he was drunk. Completely off his head. Had he forgotten that the only sex Izuru had was with him?

_Hm… you fucking slut."_

Gin was grinning. Kira couldn't see it, but he was pretty sure that he was grinning right now. Just like always.

_"Tell me… was he good to you? Because he's not to me."_

Kira didn't make a noise, and he was shaking all over. Fear. He hadn't felt this kind of fear in a long time. It was just like before. That same sense of being unable to even move, of being completely paralysed by your fear.

_"He's just been a bastard to me…"_

He breathed heavily, listening to Kira whimper as his tongue ran over his nipple and he started to gently suck it. Still pinning him down by the wrist as Kira covered his face with his free hand. Another slight shudder followed by an uncomfortable moan was emitted as he sucked just a little harder.

_"Shut up…" _

Gin's voice was cold, but not harsh. It was also quiet when that command was given. It was so surreal. Hands moved down to his hips and Kira relaxes his body. He knows it will hurt a lot more if his muscles are tense.

One of Kira's hands reflexively goes to slap Gin back but he cannot see and Gin's left hand slams Izuru's right wrist onto the floor above his head again, and holding him there. His other hand under the small of Izuru's back and lifting him slightly so that he could gain entrance to his body.

Kira whimpered quietly, giving more uncomfortable noises and being devoured by fear. The fear of not knowing when the pain would come. The feeling of only being able to feel and not to see. The fear of the darkness.

Vile. That was the one word for how it felt to him. For how he felt. For what was happening to him.

His legs are slowly curled around Gin's pelvis, only half willingly, he has to be guided the rest of the way. Trembling, shaking, ever fearing the unknown, what was going to happen next. Being held down and forced to endure something that he did not feel, that he did not want.

It shocked him when Gin did eventually enter him, and he cried out involuntarily.

Pain tore through him, through his being. Despite the amount of times his body had been torn apart it still hurt each time, because time was allowed for him to begin to heal. So whenever he cried out, it was in pain.

Gin grinned wildly. _"I aint done. I will never be done _fucking_ with you."_

He forced himself into Izuru further, eliciting more groans of pain from the body beneath him. Izuru's hips jerking with the rough movements and harsh thrusts into him.

Again.

And again.

Izuru crying out in pain each time. His body more sensitive to the movements now that his sense of touch, had been heightened. Making him more aware, more sensitive to the demon within him. The drunken, smiling demon. The one madly fucking him. Screwing him. Completely fucking him over. Fucking his mind over.

The movements were slow, but still painful. Just feeling Gin move, just feeling Gin inside him made him feel uncomfortable. Like a foreign object was stuck in his body and moving around.

Vile, disgusting.

He felt like a whore, existing solely for the pleasure of other men. Of Ichimaru. It didn't mean anything, it was just sex. Just mechanical and unsatisfying. Painful and rough and hurtful. It went on for what felt like hours. It most probably did go on for hours but Izuru has lost all sense of time. It could have been four in the morning for all he knew. All he could feel was pain as his body started to numb itself. Blood pouring from his violated body.

_"I won't ever be done _fuckin'_ ya…" _

Izuru yelped again with the sensations of Gin's fluid emptying into him, shuddering and jumping as it filled him, but nothing could be done about it. The blood, the semen, the sweat. Gin touching him. He hated it, but couldn't do anything about it. Nothing to stop it.

Nothing.

He even hated it when gin left him, removed himself from him, because that felt absolutely disgusting. He was breathing heavily, and Kira ached all over.

The last words he heard were Gin's before there was a loud thud on the floor next to him.

_"Fucking cunt."_

He managed to get the blindfold off before Kira's world darkened again as he blacked out.

……………………………….

Kira woke up the next morning on the hard floor. How long had he been there?

He knew that he had probably been knocked unconscious again. But it had been so long since he'd actually woken up normally like this instead of just simply slipping back into consciousness that he couldn't tell whether or not he'd suffered a blow to the head any more. It was nothing abnormal for Kira to wake up after spending the nights either screaming or unconscious. He lifted his head. He knew full well where he was.

Gin was asleep next to him. His body ached badly as Kira tried to drag himself up. How many bruises would he find this time? Gin stirred. The both of them were still clothed, but Kira could tell that his taichou was just as exhausted as he was.

He heaved his body up, and staggered out towards the door. Taking a look back at Gin's bruised and sleeping form. He vowed to himself that from that moment on, that this would be the last time he would be used like this. He was going to escape from this hell even if it killed him. Pulling on his shihakusho over his bloodstained hakama as he left he said silently, "I'm leaving you, Gin."

* * *

No hate comments please, I did warn you all fairly. I thought about breaking it up into parts, but I decided against it. Because

a) the mood would be wrecked and I want maximum impact for this fic.

b) I personally hate short chapters in this since it makes me look lazy, no matter how much I convey to you in such short paragraphs.

and c) I censor my work for no man. If you don't like it, fine by me. If you love it, that's fine too. But if I want to get explicit, then I shall do so. Tis my fic, and I do as I please with it. All I ask is that you be constructive if choosing to leave feedback.

Okay, I'm done. I've had my stubborn artist moment.

That said, this is my personal favourite chapter, and has been long before it was made explicit. See I don't _just _like abusive scenes. Though it originally wasn't going to be explicit it was just going to be a fade to black scene that implied an awful lot. Though doing that bit in MTM will be harder now… a lot harder.

Ah well, I do like a challange. Bring it on. There's not much longer to go for this fic though. Not much longer at all.

Marisa Serise is right - I need more Phantom and snow! It's doing wonders for me.


	28. Seduction

Rating has gone back down now~

Only four more updations to go after this one. Is anyone out there still with me?  
I'm editing the next two as we speak, so they should be up and running later on. Yep. More snow, more Phantom and more Kuroshitsuji please! because they're doin' me good! (Though I still laugh at my latest fic because all I kept hearing was Sebastian from kuro talking when I wrote some of Aizen's dialogue)

Lyrics are what I was listening to on repeat. Because that's just how I work – drowning out the world with my ipod. With my headphones that will hopefully last for more than two months this time around.

_Make me beautiful  
Make me beautiful  
A perfect soul  
A perfect mind  
A perfect face  
A perfect lie_

- Gabriel & Dresden

* * *

_"Men are so simple and yield so readily to the desires of the moment that he who will trick will always find another who will suffer to be tricked."  
_- Niccolo Machiavelli

**Chapter 27: Seduction **

[A/N definition – seduction: enticing someone astray from right behaviour]

More days go by. And Izuru has decided that he needs to get out of this way of living before he ends up cold dead in the ground. His taichou has not touched him for days after the last incident, and Kira had some time to regain strength in his body enough to fight and mentally plan out his escape. Running didn't work, for he was just chased down and dragged back kicking and screaming. He couldn't get any help, for who would believe him over Ichimaru's lies and smiles? And it wasn't like he could just pack up his bags and leave without a word because people would come looking for him. One of those people being Ichimaru, and then he would be put on trial for abandonment, which was practically a defection.

So now his only option was to face his demon head on. He knew he was not strong enough to cross swords with Gin and survive, so he had to use whatever resources he had. That meant using his body if it came down to it. He was willing to go to any length now, he was that desperate. His body had been taken many times before, so what difference would just one more make?

Right, he had the motive. Now he needs a means of escaping. There were many poisons located in the twelfth division that he could borrow; without asking of course. After all, people would ask questions and grow suspicious of him if he just went and asked to borrow some poison. And he couldn't get caught, because then he would be guilty of attempted murder. And then probably hung, drawn and quartered for his offences. He doubted it, but still they would lock him away anyway.

He could use a concealed weapon maybe? But then again, finding one small enough would be somewhat difficult. And it would most likely end up with them crossing swords, which was exactly what he _didn't _want. He needed an object that was capable of causing blunt force trauma, particularly to the head. Enough damage to just knock him out even if it didn't kill Gin outright. He needed to think. He cast his mind back to when he'd observed the details of Gin's room, when he was trying to divert his focus _away_ from his body to try and get his mind away from the fact that he was being used sexually.

He remembered seeing a vase on the floor in the corner, yes, maybe he could use that. He could do some amount of damage with that surely. It probably wasn't that heavy and it looked like it wouldn't break upon impact with anything.

There, now all he needed was an opportunity. This was going to be the most difficult. The timing had to be perfect otherwise it could all go hideously wrong. Because this plan could just so easily go belly up and be a complete disaster. So he had to choose his moment carefully. He didn't even want to think about the consequences of what could happen if he didn't.

He thought about it for days, not seeing any viable opportunity. Days coming and going and his clock ticking downwards. His time running out. He needs to act; he needs to put his plan of escape into action. He has it all mentally mapped out so that when the time suddenly comes he is ready for it. But he needs to find the right time, because for this plan to work, timing is crucial. And if it didn't work he may as well just submit to a life of pain and suffering. And even if it didn't work he may as well die trying.

He studies his taichou's every movement, making mental notes to himself on his routine. So with any luck, he would catch him off guard at just the right moment. It has been over a week now, and he knows that it won't be long before Gin comes back in a drunken stupor, so he needs to find his chance soon, before he gets pushed back to square one again. Or ended up dead because his body gave out. Because he wants his life back. He actually wants to live.

He watched and waited as Gin left for a meeting with Sousuke. He knew it was a meeting with Aizen because it became a regular occurrence about every two weeks now. Kira had learned that from his observations. And when he came back he was almost always drunk. There, now the opportunity is upon him, he just needs to set the wheels into motion, and put on his mask for what he is about to do. He needs to become perfectly composed, he needs to have the right frame of mind. Because he will be doing and saying things he never even dreamed of in his worst nightmares, to a man he detests with his entire being. But desperate times call for desperate measures, and Izuru is a desperate man.

He needed to become perfect, in every way, shape and form. He needs to become desirable for the taichou's company. The sun quietly setting below the horizon as he takes deep breaths, calming his mind down enough through all of the tension and apprehension that had built up in him throughout the day. He had snuck into Gin's room, thankfully it was unlocked, and turned on the dim lights. He let the light from the other room flood into the dark bathroom just enough so that his reflection in the mirror was darkened. He didn't look too much of a mess. Although the same couldn't be said for his mental state. He was calm now, but it had taken him hours to calm down. He had to become a perfect lie. And Izuru never used to be a very good liar. But recent months had taught him otherwise.

He looked at his reflection in the mirror, messing up his hair slightly, god his pupils were huge. But at least he looked unscarred, or at least, the bruise on his forehead was almost gone now. Which was good because he had to have the perfect face, the perfect expression, and the perfect eyes. He had to lie flawlessly with his mind and body. He had to abandon all fear and disgust that he felt and just dive into foreign waters. Into unknown territory. He had to lure Gin into a false sense of security, which would definitely be no easy task.

He was still wearing his shihakusho and he was ready, all there was now was to wait for Gin to come back and find him there, waiting for him. He sat and waited there in that dimly lit room for what felt like hours before Gin did stumble in, drunk… again. Only wearing his hakama. Kira took one last quick deep breath to clear his head, praying to god that he would smile upon his escape before turning his head to face Gin.

"Hello Taichou."

Gin wasn't smiling. In fact Izuru thought him too drunk and disorientated to smile right now.

"What are you doing in my room?" Gin slurred, his voice more morose that usual. And Izuru hoped and prayed that the drunken Gin would be in a better mood than the last time.

Kira didn't answer the question, and Gin broke the silence by voicing his thoughts out loud and stumbling further into his room.

"Oh fuck it I don't even care anymore." he said, unsteadily throwing himself down onto the floor next to Izuru.

"It doesn't even matter."

Kira looked at him, "Meeting Aizen Taichou again?"

"He's a _bastard!" _Gin wailed, with his voice really low, but still quiet. Izuru thinking this to be just drunken ramblings as Gin turned to look at him, his voice getting softer again.

"You're the only one that understands Izuru…"

Gin was quiet, sitting beside Izuru with his hands just limp on the floor in front of him, his legs splayed out at angles. In fact, now that he thought about it, Gin was all angles and lengths. Nothing was smooth about him, not even his movements. He would always be somewhat awkward when he walked and talked. Even now when he was all over the place.

"Why is everythin' keep goin' to crap?"

"I don't know…" Kira responded, he had been asking himself that same question for years now.

Really. Why _was_ everything going to crap?

"Wha' do you wan' from me?"

"Nothing…" Izuru said softly, subtly drawing in closer to Gin, their noses almost touching. Kira's face portraying only an expression of the utmost sincerity, and his wide eyes speaking only of untold passion.

"I'll just do whatever you want…"

Everything went completely quiet for that one long moment as Kira swallowed all his guts and kissed him, slowly finding Gin's tongue reciprocating the kiss as it deepened. Gin's arms working their way around his body and lowering him to the floor, their kiss intensifying, growing ever deeper as some soft moans escape Gin, who was lightly holding Izuru down. One of Kira's hands engrossed in Gin's hair as he held the back of his head as they made out with each other. Gin returning his passion and lust filled kiss, tongues wrestling wildly as Kira reached behind him unnoticeably with his free hand, moving as if groping for an object. His fingers firmly clasping around it as he took a hold of what he was looking for, maintaining his provocative expression right up until the very last moment when he broke the illusion and screamed.

"You fucking bastard!"

* * *

The violence… Oh god, I'm really aching for Gin here. Oh the floodgates have opened, tissues are everywhere, and now I have a pair of very sore eyes. Because ya know what the worst part of all this is? Kira doesn't know! He doesn't even know what Gin's going through…

I sense a ch2 of 'ITWD' appearing sometime in the future… people subscribed to my stories – watch your inboxes.

This line triggered me - "You're the only one that understands Izuru…" I swear, the Kleenex tissue company must fucking adore me. I am in bits and pieces right now. First time crying writing this fic. Noooo Gin! *wails*

This one was difficult to write (for reasons other than the angst), but then again, after so long of just doing abuse scenes for this, having Kira act like that was a little out of character to me at first, and I needed to get into it a bit. I like the references to the 'means, motive and opportunity' to commit a crime. Just seemed to fit there nicely. yeah, I watch too much CSI

The next two chapters come… when I'm dry eyed enough to edit the rest. Please excuse me while I go and recompose my fangirl self.


	29. Retaliation, Strangulation, Asphyxiation

I felt like writing a poem today. steal said poem and suffer greatly because I despise theft. I am most pleased with this one. Insult said poem and also suffer greatly. I've been attacked about my art before and it was not pleasant and there was much arguing. Must just have been me being unfortunate enough to find the many trolls of the internet that like destroying people… but everyone who has given me feedback here is so nice, so I don't think any of my regulars will.

But a message to all those trolls out there – we don't want you here. Before you set out to destroy my fics or anybody else's for that matter, I strongly suggest that you actually try doing what we do. Because I am so sick and tired of people shooting us down for no reason when they don't even write themselves, and when they don't give us the chance to defend ourselves by either getting an account or leaving an email and giving us a chance to defend our work. Because believe it or not, we actually work hard on these stories, and I really hate it when something you work really hard on (and have fun doing) is just called trash for no reason. I am all for constructive criticism and the freedom of opinion, but nothing, and I tell you nothing, gives you the right, to just insult somebody's work. It is unproductive, it is not needed, and speaking from personal experience, it is soul destroying. And I tell you, you have no right to just come in and call **any **fic on here crap because it doesn't suit your tastes. If you're going to trash a fic, grow a set of balls, get an account on here, and back your bullshit up. If you don't have the guts to do that, then don't bother.

I'm very sorry I ranted, but it just irks me so much. But it has to be said. I think I speak for everyone here that people like that just need to get a freaking life. My readers and reviewers much love to you all.

Anyways, now I've got that off my chest... Said poem is talking to Gin. He's just so love starved in all this.

* * *

**_If only he knew_**

_He cannot give you the love that you crave  
__He does not understand you, this torture you're in  
__So why do you hurt him and use him so much?  
__When all that you need is a friend and some love_

_For he is kind hearted, he'd listen to you  
__He'd happily listen, and hold you, it's true  
__He'd lend you his shoulder on which you could cry  
__Come on my darling, his heart is not stone_

_But you broke him and hurt him in ways you don't know  
__You pushed him aside and he didn't know  
__What you've done and you've suffered and all that you've seen  
__And enough is enough, we know it don't we?_

_It would have been hard, I know to admit  
__Every bit of the trauma you've suffered and seen  
__But he could have helped you see sense from the lie  
__And maybe, just maybe, he could love you like I_

* * *

_"The problem with manipulation is that people can turn on you."  
_- Horatio Caine (c.s.i. miami)

**Chapter 28: Retaliation, Strangulation, Asphyxiation **

Izuru screamed, and Gin was suddenly whacked on the side of the head with the nearest heavy object that was within reach, knocking him to the floor. He was bleeding, and Kira made no hesitations to jumping on him.

He had him pinned, having jumped on him and shoved him to the floor, pinning him on his back and slamming Gin's head on the floor. Kira was going to regain control of his life. By whatever means were necessary.

"Bastard!" he screeched, his voice almost going completely hoarse.

"Why did you do this to me?!"

"I… don't know."

He slapped Gin. Something he thought that he would never do.

"You liar!" He screamed, almost at the top of his lungs.

He never normally screamed. But he was angry, he was defiant, he was _stronger_. And he was going to escape even if it killed him.

He felt his hands grasp Gin's neck, slowly finding himself squeeze hard. The blood from Gin's wounds staining his clothes and his hands. His yellow hair falling over his face as Gin choked, slowly being asphyxiated. His dark eyes seeing red, Kira felt his very soul fill itself with all that anger, rage, and hurt that his taichou had caused him. For now, he would regain his life. He had been beaten enough, he had been hurt enough, and he had been used enough.

This was the end of it.

His neck was warm. Unexpected, Kira always thought that he would be cold. Just as he was emotionless, like when he would beat him. Like when he would hurt him.

But that was then, now it would change. Now it would all change. Izuru would free himself from this hell. Anger consumed him as he thought of Gin:

Alcoholic.

Abuser.

And Kira felt no sympathy. He'd trusted him. This man who had beat and used him, this man who'd hurt and hit him. Abused him, bruised him. Raped and broken him. Made him cry and bleed so much blood, and for that there could be no forgiveness. Not for this betrayal. Kira used to trust him, but that was long ago now.

"Fucking traitor!"

Izuru squeezed, hard. Feeling only hatred, feeling nothing but anger. Letting his emotions take over now. Letting all of the pain surface, for that was all that was left now. And Kira wanted to hurt him back, why should he be the only one hurting? Gin's breath rasped as he chocked. And for the first time, Kira thought he had seen a glimpse of fear in his taichou's face as he slowly strangled him. A look in his eyes that spelled fear.

Until that grin returned. Slowly it crept back across his face, that same unnerving grin. Somehow he still smiled. Despite it all, he still smiled.

"Kill me."

He was laughing now, amused laughing. But his voice betrayed him. He was asking for Izuru to kill him. Laughing like never before, laughing like there was nothing left for him. Was this a joke?

"Go ahead… Kill me."

Kira froze, stopping dead. Not even moving an inch. His eyes widened in shock, horror. Kira felt lost, unsure of himself. He had hesitated, now looking directly into those red eyes, not even daring to move.

"Just kill me."

Izuru stopped, waiting. Out of pure shock more than anything. He couldn't say a word. Gin was bleeding, bleeding from wound that Kira had given him. Bleeding from his other wounds. There were bruises, there were cuts. He had suffered a heavy blow, one to the head and one to the chest, the former having been the one Kira inflicted. Now the tables were turned, Izuru was making Gin bleed.

"There aint nothin' left fer me anymore." He said, his voice seeming morose and schizophrenic, both angry and hopeless at the same time with a slight hint at sarcasm. "Kill me!"

It was an order, but his tone showed no anger. There was no anger anymore. His voice then softened, as did that smile.

"Kill me."

How Kira had wanted to. For all that time, and for all those years that he had hurt. For all those tears he'd cried. For all of the pain, the physical and mental torture. For all of the times that Kira had wanted to hurt him, for all that he had done, and for all the times that Kira had wanted to hurt himself, he wanted to kill him. Looking into his eyes now, he thought that he would see that same merciless and hateful glare that he had whenever he was beaten, whenever he was used and hurt.

If he had seen that, then it would have been easier. Kira would have been able to do it.

But what Kira did see, was neither hatred, nor coldness, nor anger. No, this was something completely different. It is at this moment, this moment right now, that for the very first time, Kira saw humanity. And he hesitated.

Kira had to choose. Between letting him live or killing him. As much as getting revenge would do for the anger inside him, it wouldn't undo the damage that had already been done. But Surely Gin wanted to live; surely he was just mocking him. But this time his eyes were saying something else, they were so full of pain now. Could Kira still kill him? He wanted to, so much he wanted to right now. To make Gin suffer, or even just to end all of the abuse for good, and to end the pain.

"Please…"

Izuru loosened his grip. Still looking down at Ichimaru, whose smile was now fading. He felt his heart skip a beat. But as much as Gin asked to be killed, and as compassionate as Kira was, and as merciless and cold as Kira felt, he still couldn't bring himself to kill Gin.

"I knew it. I knew ya couldn' kill me. Ya don't have it in ya to kill me."

Silence came and went. And after that Kira just got up and left him. This being the very last time that they would see each other.

Kira had walked away. He just left him lying there, alone. But he didn't look back.

Not once did Kira ever look back.


	30. Betrayal

_"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars."  
_- Khalil Gibran

**Chapter 29: Betrayal **

After that Gin defected. Nobody saw it coming, the betrayal. Kira got the most sympathy, for his taichou had just left and abandoned him.

But in reality, to him this betrayal meant nothing. The real betrayal occurred long ago. So now there was nothing but hatred there. Whatever bond was forged had been long broken. So Kira didn't really want their sympathy, not after all he had been through.

All of the pain, all of the torture. His abuser was gone, but the bruises still remained. And even when the bruises healed the cuts would still be there. And even when the last of the cuts had gone the mental scars would still be there. They would always be there. Because when one gets abused in a manner such as this there will always be some remnants of the trauma.

Like kanji on a white wall written in blood. Like a bloody stain that has been scrubbed so viciously in an attempt to try and remove it. It is a stain that will still be there no matter how much you try to scrub it away and clean it from the wall. Because ultimately, you know there will always be a part of it left. A trace of it that nobody can remove. Because there will always be someone that knows it was there. And they will see it in all its vividness before it was cleaned off, even long after it has almost gone they will still see the original picture; the blood dripping down the wall. And even though they have cleaned it away, they know that it was there. And that no matter how much you try to remove it, it will still linger there.

That is what the trauma of abuse is like. That is what living in fear is like. That is what abuse does to you. It leaves its stain on the body, on the mind, on the soul. A stain, much like the bloody kanji, that can never be fully removed.

When Gin left the soul society it was as if a huge rock had been lifted from Kira's shoulders. But his heart was empty, like a part of him had also left. Been ripped out. Wrenched apart and taken away. Taken away with Gin when he left. Kira didn't anticipate that feeling. True, he was relieved, overjoyed enough to cry even. But that soon subsided only to be replaced with this empty and hollow feeling.

Not surprising really. He was raped, tortured, beaten and abused. Part of him had actually been destroyed.

Not that he ever told anyone about what happened. Not that he ever could. Even after Gin was long gone from his life he still never told anybody. Because of the hurt, the humiliation he would feel when he uncovered the things he had tried to bury.

He still appeared healthy to the world, despite it all. Despite the damage hat had been done to his body. It took him weeks to be able to walk again without being in pain. He became isolated. He didn't talk much to anyone anymore. He was a changed man. He'd lost quite a lot when looking at it. Having been betrayed and then just left to feel hurt and angry. By him, by them, by the rest of the world. By those he thought he could trust.

Over time he started to put weight back on again, but still he was a far cry from the Izuru he once was. He was no longer the happy and smiling Izuru. He was no longer the naïve and trusting Izuru. No, the Izuru we once knew had been long dead. Killed even. The difference between the Izuru Kira at the start of this story is completely different from the Izuru Kira we see now, at the end of the tale of tragic abuse and manipulation.

He is damaged. Broken. Hurt and violated. Used and abused.

He is, for the lack of a better word, heartbroken.

Hollow. Empty.

But he is just one of the betrayed. This is only his side of the story; the story that hides more than meets the eye, the suffering of much more than just him. No, the trauma that Izuru has suffered is only the tip of the iceberg of the violence and abuse. Of the self harm and the heartache, of all the guilt and remorse and the hurt. No, there is more. Much, much more hurt there than we know of right now. But those stories are for another time, and another place. And for another perspective of a different puppet. And it is those two stories that for now, can wait.

Izuru walks through the Seireitei, as people utter things to him in passing such as "I'm sorry" and "My deepest apologies" When he walks through the courtyard, and Kira of course, just smiles and nods politely in response. His nod subtle and his face expressionless and cold as he strides past them. Because sometimes the phrase 'I'm sorry for your loss' doesn't mean much. Not when he has lost so much in his life. Things that were irreplaceable to him. Things like a mother, a lover, a friend. He has lost all three. All of which turned on him and became abusive to him. _Betrayed him. _Broken his heart when they left him.

For these are the things that he can never get back.

So when they all eventually left him, naturally, it leaves a hole. It leaves an unfillable hole in his heart. A void, an empty void that cannot ever be filled again. You'd think that someone who has suffered numerous betrayals like this would be used to it by now, that they wouldn't feel the pain as much. But the truth is that no matter how many times it happens, it still hurts each time. Because time was allowed for him to heal between each one.

So no, Izuru does not want their sympathy, for really, he feels nothing for them, the ones that abused him. Not any more. Because they betrayed him, and he does not know if he can ever forgive them for it. No, he can never forgive Ichimaru Gin for what he did, for his betrayal. The one that in reality was not when he left the soul society, but the one that started long ago, with the first slap to Izuru's face.

That was the real betrayal.

And much like the blood written kanji smeared upon the wall, it would linger there in his very soul. And it would haunt him for a very, very long time.

* * *

Marisa Serise I put that bloody wall reference in there just for you. I do believe you know what I am referencing. Haunting. Just haunting. The stain that still lingers, despite everything, is the trauma. How I love the little details.

Just two more chapters to go. I think I'll be kinda sad when this is over, but it's gonna be my first ever completed multichapter fic that I can actually be arsed to finish. And the story has to end somewhere… for now anyway. Because it's really just a vicious cycle that only ends upon death. For their hurts will still linger even after I have written the very last words of this story.


	31. Freedom

A/N – forgive my intechnicalities, my internet forbade me from watching the anime episode this bit is from on youtube more than once as reference.

* * *

_"Birds sing after a storm. Why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?"_  
- Rose Kennedy

**Chapter 30: Freedom **

Life went on as normal in the soul society post traitor defection, despite the fact that everybody had been greatly affected. In a negative way of course. Gaps were left in the hierarchy and in people's hearts. But all anybody could do was try to pick up the broken pieces of their lives and move forwards. It would not be easy; in fact, it would be far from easy. But it was something that they had to do.

Because life simply goes on. And time waits for no man.

And Izuru is no different. He has to move on just as they all did. Sure his heart had been wrenched apart and stood on a few times, but he was still standing. He was still strong enough to carry on. He had been freed. Albeit, by the defection of his abuser, but still he was free now. He'd made a stand and now he had broken away.

He was happy about that, but there were still many other things plaguing him. One of which was how he'd acted out at Matsumoto. These actions for which he needed to apologise.

He walked in slowly, finding her moping around only to be made to jmp out of her skin by her taichou. Lucky her. He was just left on his own. He envied her, to an extent. For though he was on his own, he had escaped further abuse.

"You've got a visitor." Toshiro said coldly, pointing to Kira as he stood in the doorway. Leaving them to talk.

"Ah, Matsumoto-san… I…"

He knew his eyes were trembling. Everything about him was. But she just smiled and offered him a seat… and a drink.

Which he accepted. Maybe somewhat stupidly after all of his previous experiences with drunken people. Bad experiences.

But nonetheless, he ended up face down on the table and muttering his intended apology, even though he was completely drunk off his arse.

"Matsumoto-san… I'm sorry…"

"Don't worry about it. You're here after all aren't you? You came to talk to me. Not that sitting and talking can resolve everything. But if people can't even see each other then you can't understand anything at all."

"That's… not quite true for me."

"Hm? How so?"

"I… can't say."

He couldn't say. He just couldn't say why that wasn't true. But even though he saw Gin, he didn't understand why he was making him suffer. And he probably never will. He never would understand why he was beaten and used and hurt. He would never ever gain closure for it. And maybe he knew that. Somewhere deep inside, he knew that.

"I knew him, but I never did understand. And… I know I never will."

Maybe she could see the pain in his eyes as he spoke those words, but what she said next would change everything he ever knew.

"Kira, let me tell you something… about Gin. But before I do, you have to promise that what I say never leaves us two."

Kira sighed, "Alright. I promise."

"This is never supposed to get out, but… I have to tell you."

Kira watched and waited for something random and obscure. Not fully expecting anything important, but it would indeed change his entire perspective.

"Ichimaru Gin was abused."

Kira went quiet. No, he hadn't expected her to say _that. _His mind went into shock, his mouth ran dry. He started to shake again as thoughts ran through his head.

_"He was beaten?"_

He thought about it, and he knew who he was abused by. All of Gin's random rantings, or what he thought to be drunken ramblings were thoughts. They were _feelings. _Feelings about what he was going through. He had called Aizen a bastard on numerous occasions, but Kira didn't think that to be true as Matsumoto continued her account of what she knew. Every word impacting heavily onto him as he listened.

_"He was raped?"_

And his mind wandered back to Gin again, and to what he had done to Gin. Tried to kill him, banged him on the head. He didn't know… he didn't know anything.

_"He cut his wrists?"_

He had done something terrible that day when he attacked Gin and fought back. But he didn't know, he couldn't see. He chose to ignore the signs…

And it made him cry.

"Kira?" Matsumoto asked, now growing concerned. "Why are you crying?"

Still the tears came. Still they spilled from his blue eyes and down his pale face. And he could do nothing to stop them. He couldn't stop all of the emotion and hurt spilling out of him, not just for himself, but for Gin, because he knew. He knew what it was like. And Matsumoto saw it. For the first time, she saw everything. All of his pain, all of his hurt. Everything.

And as she looked into his deep blue eyes, she saw all of the pain and abuse reflected in them as she had seen before in Gin's eyes.

"Because I understand now."

* * *

"If we knew each other's secrets, what comforts we should find."  
_- John Churton Collins_


	32. The aftermath

A/N – Oh my Aizen! Yay! I can finally click the 'completed' button after so long! I is happy now. But through the writing of this last chapter, 'wild at heart' was on the tv, and by the time I had reached the end of this chap, all I could hear in the background was the long unbroken beep of a heart rate flatline. Just thought I would share that. I think it summarises this moment. It was very surreal for me as a writer.

* * *

_"It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone."  
_- Rose Kennedy

**Last chapter: The aftermath **

Many days and nights went by. And thus the recovery process began for Izuru. It would be a long and very painful process, for which he would need much therapy and help. But the process had to start. After all, there was a war to be fought.

But even though the abuse was all over, the nightmares wouldn't go away. Sometimes at night he would still picture it all, everything that Gin had put him through. He would relive the torture, the abuse. Vividly picture Gin's face and hear him laugh when Izuru attempted to strangle and kill him. And still he would feel filthy afterwards. Still he would be sore and heartbroken.

His body still ached. As did his heart.

The bruises were slowly fading now, as were the cuts and wounds. They didn't hurt when he touched them any more. And as the days went by they were beginning to disappear completely. However, the mental scars were another story entirely. The broken ability to trust was another story completely. He would probably never trust again because of the trauma and abuse he had suffered.

Sometimes he would cry himself to sleep, often waking up screaming. That's if he did manage to sleep. Most nights he would need to take pills to make him sleep. During the day, things would trigger him to remember what happened, even doing the most ordinary of things. Something somebody said, or something hitting the floor would send him into panic mode and he would tear down the corridors screaming, still running away from the grinning monster chasing him down memory lane. Trapping him in the past, his mind still picturing everything so vividly.

He could still hear Gin's voice swearing and screaming at him. People would look at him strangely as he would run down the halls crying. They would stand and stare, but they would never know why he was like this every so often. They may have even thought of him as mentally disturbed, but the truth was that this is his mind being unable to cope. This is the remains of Izuru's trauma manifesting itself into his daily life in the form of nightmares and outbursts.

Often he would pass out when he didn't eat. He never would normally eat after such incidents. They kept him hospitalised for three weeks for observations and psychiatric care after one serious incident where he screamed wielding a kitchen knife and threatened to slash his wrists.

That wasn't a particularly good day.

But there were better days. There were days where he was happy and could put the past behind him. These times were intermittent but they did exist. It's just that something would trigger him to remember it all and panic again.

He asked questions to the absent Gin such as "Why did you do this to me if you were suffering the same thing?" and "Why are you still doing this to me? You're gone, why are you still doing this to me?" when crying late at night.

He still lived in fear too. Despite the fact that there was nothing to be afraid of any more. For he still did things in the way that Ichimaru had instructed during the day, because the fear of a beating still existed, the fear of torture and rape. And that feeling wouldn't go away so easily after many months of experiencing it. It wasn't just going to vanish overnight like most people assumed.

He still kept the office spotless, just as his taichou had instructed. Even though there was no need to, because Gin had gone. So when he was asked why he answered simply;

"Because Taichou would be furious if he saw it like this."

They would laugh at him, but psychological abuse runs deep. It remains. It remains because he was still afraid. In fact, he probably would always be afraid of Gin. He felt like an idiot for responding in the way he did, but that was how it was. Living and working with a violent and abusive alcoholic for a taichou for as long as he did.

But he was still unsteady, unstable. And this deeply rooted fear he had would take a particularly long time to subside. Because it had existed from the moment they met. From the moment they locked eyes. It was just fed by abuse and made to grow.

In time this would pass, and Izuru would recover, but it would indeed take a very long time. Because like all other cases of mental, physical and sexual abuse, Gin's abuse of Izuru was still continuing even after he was long gone from this world.

Because even after Ichimaru Gin had gone, the remnants of the abuse he inflicted still remained.

And they always would remain, even if nobody else knew of it. The scars he made on Izuru Kira would still remain until the day he died. But somehow, he would find the strength to smile again.

* * *

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."  
_- Ralph Waldo Emerson_

_---------------_

Well, what to say? Its… its finally finished. And I, for once, am lost for what to say. How long have I been working on this? I'm pleased with it, in fact I am very pleased. Weeks of planning, months of writing random chapters not in any particular order (and you can _tell_ which ones are my earlier stuff) and I am finally done. Though I should really do some arts to go with this story. I've already done a coloured sketch for Aizen's abuse story… I did one for Gin's but I may re do that one. I haven't done one for Kira yet…

Anyway, there are two mirror stories to this – 'Manipulating the mentalist' (Gin's story) and 'Abusive compulsive' (Aizen's side of it all) and they may fill in a few gaps for this one. As will this one fill the gaps for the other two. Though as of now the others are still under construction. However they are mature rated. And are a lot more… hmm whats the word… I wanna say 'worse', but 'abusive and graphic' are better words to use. I've been told Aizen's is very difficult to get through. And one of the darkest out there…. Or so I have been told anyway. But I liked writing this fic. Even though I did cry at one point. Yes, I cried, I have feelings too!

Agan, reviews are loved but optional, and much love to my beta and my nii-sama for putting up with me throughout.

I shall close in saying that the mental scars of those that have suffered in these stories will still remain, even after the story ends. Because as Isaac Asimov once said, "In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate."

I hope you have enjoyed my story. I shall now get back to work on the other two, which… may take a while. Feel free to pimp and rec this story out.

- Wolfy-chan


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